Why I'm Not Blogging About Heroes Anymore.

That's right, faithful reader. I've reached the end of my stick with writing about this show but before I go, a few parting shots:

• You know things have gone awry when I'm rooting for Sylar to kill the Typhoid Twins.
• What's the point of Sylar anyway? He has essentially been reset to season one Sylar, trying to get his powers back up.
• Speaking of reset, this show as too many characters and stories back at square one
• Peter is trying to figure out his powers
• There is a dystopian future he must prevent
• Issac's paintings are the key even though he's been dead for 5 plus months storywise and despite his spell of no input due to not being high, we're too believe he painted at least 7 more future laden clues before Sylar ate his brain
• Mohinder trusts the wrong guy
• Mohinder is the symbol for everything I hate about this show right now. His character is so dumb it is beyond comprehension. I remember how happy I was when I thought Sylar killed him last season.
• I don't care about Claire trying to fit into a new school or her new stalker boyfriend.
• What do you do with your best and most popular character (and Emmy-nominated actor)? You separate him from the rest of the cast and give him his own lame storyline.
• As much as I hated the "Save the Cheerleader, Save The World" campaign, at least it showed that the story was going somewhere. This year, I have no clue what the hell is going on.
  
• H.R.G. is the only interesting character on the show.
• Given how great and exciting "Five Years Later" was in season one, isn't it clear the producers should have let Peter blow up New York?
  

I'm going to keep watching but I just can't muster up the energy to write about this show.

Countdown to Lost begins now

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The Break-Up

Dear Countdown:

I tried to do this in person but you wouldn't see. I tried to call you but you wouldn't pick up the phone. So you have left me no choice but to write you this letter.

CD, this just is working out for me anymore. I thought I could hold on and wait to see if this relationship went anywhere but I can't. I thought it would be like before, when you were 52. But now, I don't know. Did I change? Did you change?

No, I'm pretty sure we both changed. You keep going on aimlessly in your life, not knowing where you want to go. You took on too many things at once and now I don't even know what going on with you.

I've changed too. I've been in abusive relationships like this before, sticking around just to see how things ended. I hate feeling like I wasted all my time if I'm not going to stick around to the end. But I've got to be mature. I've got to let you go and move on.

I'm sorry that this didn't work out but don't worry, there are other readers out there in sea for you. I just can't be one of them.

Sincerely,
Melanism

P.S.: Do you have Sinestro Wars phone number?

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Heroes Season Two: "Fight or Flight"

I miss Mars Investigations.

I'm changing my style of writing about these episodes.

What I Liked:

• Kristen Bell is back on television.
• Matt Parkman expanding the use of his powers.
• No Claire/SuperStalker in this episode
• No Typhoid Twins in his episode
• Micah being Yoda to Monica's Luke Skywalker. It's good to see someone have fun with their powers for once (not counting Elle frying one of the Irishmen)

What I Didn't Like:

• Since they made such a big deal of Kristen Bell joining the cast, they kind of wasted her.
• I've been told by a couple of people that I'm being nitpicky but it really annoys me how quickly character's travel on this show. I'm going to need a timeline because without them saying so, I'm assuming that all these stories are going on at the same or around the same time.
• I can't stand how stupid these characters act. Why would Mohinder bring Molly back to the company when there the ones who had her locked up in the first place? Why would Matt, a POLICE DETECTIVE, enter a room with a suspect (father or not) that he hasn't inspected? Why would Niki go to The Company for her problems when Linderman, who ran the Company, shot her husband, D.L.? I can do this all day...
• Why isn't there more of a Butterfly Effect with Hiro tampering in the past? They showed in the beginning how is actions changed the past a little bit but they haven't remarked on it since.

Questions:

• Without access to Molly's ability tracking power and giving that Monica JUST learned she had powers, how did Mohinder show up on her doorstep?
• Who is Elle's father? (I think Papa Petrelli is still alive)
• How did whomever Elle was working for lose Peter in the first place?
• Is Papa Parkman really The Nightmare Man?
• Did Nathan has facial reconstructive surgery in the four months from saving New York and the premiere?
• Does Matt have the ability to save Molly himself with his expanding powers?
• Who else's powers have we not seen the full extent of?
• Was Peter lying when he said his new Irish girlfriend's artwork was good?

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Heroes Season Two: "The Kindness of Strangers"

After the preview for next week, I already don't care about this episode.

• Why didn't anyone call Claire's parents after she ditched school with SuperStalker?
• If anyone is going to put a bullet in HRG's eye, it will be SuperStalker?
• Aww, my two dads. They are a little too close in their argument. I can't be the only one who expected a smooch.
• Damn, that is a nice beard.
• What happened to Nate's wife who helped ruin season six of 24?
• "I'm not allowed to be here. Bitch, I'm Nathan Petrelli. I will fly you to the sky and drop your ass."
• Typhoid Twins...perfect, I wanted to check on the Giants game.
• 7-3 Giants.
• Sylar got pretty far with a bloody stomach in the woods in the middle of nowhere.
• Is Uhura reading from a teleprompter?
• Apparently, you need to be kinda cute to have powers. (Doing an age check on IMDB for Dana Davis)
• So she confesses for a crime that they should have on videotape?
• "But I can fly." Nice pickup line.
• (Dana Davis is legal. Awesome)
• Nathan shaved. I hope he donated his beard hair to goodwill
• Matt is teaming up with another power. This should end well.
• Bye Mama Petrelli. I know she's not dead yet but the Heroes writing staff was never known for its subtlety.
• How are they twins but only one can understand English?
• Well, Typhoid Twins are going to be suckers too.
• (Please let this not play out with Sylar killing the brother which sets the sister loose killing everyone. That seems too stupid, right? RIGHT?!?!)
• How is that guy cast as the store manager on two shows on NBC that air back-to-back (Chuck)?
• Katrina victims are the new show stereotypes in 2007.
• Claire, your dad is the master. How do you think you can lie to him?
• HOW IS THIS DUDE FLYING IN DAYLIGHT??!?!
• Damn, Parkman. You got hit with the double whammy: wife cheated AND the baby's his!
• Matt's daddy is a power?
• We at Heroes understand the plight of the African-American Katrina Survivors.

• This relationship is moving a little too fast,no?
• Way to not use your powers, Micah?
• Way to nuzzle up to your cousin's breasts, kid. I wonder how many takes they filmed.
• So one of the people in that photo is the boogeyman. If this were "Lost", I would rewind to the scene where Matt and Nathan looked at the photo and see who was the most noteworthy actor who had not been introduced yet and deduce that he was The Nightmare Man. But this isn't lost and the Giants game is still on.
• What's with Nathan's mirror image?
• Did Sylar just say "golly"?
• Honestly, those police sketches aren't even so good that if you look at it, you immediately know it was them.
• How is Sylar healed from his sword wound?
• Nice defection Claire.
• So H,R.G. and The Haitian are on the road again?
• Does NBC know that the WWE owns all those moves? Did they have to pay Vince Mcmahon for use of Rey Mysterio's 619?
• Way to go, Matt. How did child services leave a child in your hands?

Next Week: VERONICA MA...UM...KRISTEN BELL!!!!!!! Now I give a shit about this show.

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Heroes Season Two: "Kindred"

Sylar's back. Can he bring some excitement back to this season?

Random thoughts for last night's episode:

• Take the fucking box, Peter!
• When exactly does the Typhoid Twins story get interesting? Dania Ramirez is hot but not "ignore the deficiencies in the story" hot
• Who tries to steal a car in broad daylight in front of a cop? How hard is it for two people to stay together?
• I knew D.L. was dead (despite getting shot less than Parkman)
• Candice/Michelle: I guess an illusionist is an easy role to recast (FYI,the original Candice is now on Reaper on the CW)
• I bet Sylar wishes he got to eat Claire's brain
• How hard would it be to track the purchases of Papa Suresh's book?
• So Parkman knows about Mohinder's secret meeting? I wonder if Mohinder told Matt or he just read his mind.
• How did the state award custody to a divorced cop and a guy who goes around the country holding lectures about people with superpowers?
• OK, the notes to Ando are pretty cool but you are telling that no one notice a note to Ando in all those centuries?
• So Claire/s stalker is a dick?
• Who flies in broad daylight? Nice to see that their special effects budget has increased?
• Go home, Hiro.
• Do they cast from Star Trek conventions? If Scotty had been alive, would he have been the boss of the fake Irish gang?
• I like this Anakin Skywalker Peter we've got going...then he ruined it by not opening the fucking box.
• How Sylar obtain Michelle's powers? How does his powers actually work?
• Great, Sylar is LOST. Hopefully he can defend himself against smoke monsters and polar bears?
• Oh, why couldn't Issac's painting have shown Mohinder with a bullet in his eye?

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Heroes Season Two: "Lizards"

Has Mohinder learned some new tricks? Will Peter remember who gave him the haircut he badly needed?

Here are my randumb thoughts on episode two:

• You find a guy who can shoot shit out his hands and you're looking for iPods.
• How did they actually apprehend Peter considering his powers?
• How many Issac paintings are there?
• So Matt's first case as detective is into the Mr. Sulu murder. What are the odds?
• What happened to Audrey Hanson, the FBI agent who knew all about Matt's powers and Sylar?
• Something that always bothered me about Hiro. Shouldn't his English have improved more than it had when he went back in the past to save Charlie Andrews?
• This Hiro storyline is stupid. If this was Jeph Loeb's idea. I wouldn't be surprised.
• So Claire's smart? Well, book smart...
• Man, these are awful accents. Couldn't they grab some extras from the cast of The Black Donnellys off the unemployment line?
• The Haitian (Who came up with that name, Vince McMahon?) is back...and he's dying! Doesn't pay to be black on this show (D.L.*, Charles Deveaux, Simone Devaeaux)?
• PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MOHINDER GOT TO HAITI THAT FAST?!?!
• Is fine-ass Maya a Typhoid Mary without her brother near by?
• At least Hiro has complete confidence in his powers. That's the real problem with this show.
• Maybe Peter is finally on the path to his bad ass five year self
  
• Why hasn't Hiro even attempted to teleport back home?
• They are going to have to explain at some point how all the people with powers are drawn to one another otherwise these coincidences are going to be one of the things that bring down this show.
• Ah Mohinder. Once a dumbass...
• I'm calling our immigrant friends The Typhoid Twins or fine-ass Maya and her brother.
• Nathan is making me want to grow a full beard.
• Mama Petrelli is next.
• ...or maybe not. It appears H.R.G. has trained Mohinder well.
• H.R.G. and The Haitian. Tag Team, back again...
  
• The toe cutting was gross but cool.
• Ok, Peter. You phased through the ropes, beat the shit out of thugs and shot beams out of your hands. JUST TAKE THE F@!&ING BOX! What's this negotiating shit?
  

NEXT WEEK: The Box. I swear I want to take the NBC executive charged with marketing for Heroes and hold him underwater for five minutes.

*They haven't said he's dead but I see the writing on the wall

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Heroes Season Two: "Four Months Later..."

So after the non-finale season finale, what's next?

Here are just a collection of thought from the season premiere:

• Mohinder, a.k.a. Sayid's weaker twin brother, still can't act and shouldn't be narrating.
• Fine ass Dania Ramirez has joined us. Thank you, Mr. Kring. First The Sopranos, now this. She has a great agent.
• The fact that Nathan and Peter are still alive and Syler survived, the finale really was pointless.
• So Matt adopted Molly. Are we to assume she's been cured of whatever disease she had in the finale?
• Sulu has been marked for death by the new Syler...oh wait...the old Syler is still around. Iguess the old Heroes are getting wiped out.
• Isn't Nathan a senator? He won the election, right?
  
• I'm glad David Anders (Takezo Kensei and Alias' Sark) is working again but do we really need some The Last Samurai/Michael Dudikoff in feudal Japan.
• Mr. Bennett works at Kinko's!!! How can he tell Claire to not be a cheerleader when he's back at another paper company?
  
• Parkman and Mohinder are raising Molly = My Two Dads
  

Mr. Mohinder, we'll pay you in goooooooooold!

• Claire's still an idiot.
  
• Mr. Bennett has still got it. I was getting worried for a second that going into hiding had made him soft
  
• "How did you honor your son?" You got served, Mrs Petrelli!
• Maya (Ramirez) apparently spreads a disease when separated. Next week, I'll have a good term for the Anti-Wonder Twins.
• So Mohinder and Bennett are working to bring the Company down? Good call, H.R.G. After spending half the season making a fool of Mohinder (the other half Mohinder made a fool of himself), he's who you trust to bring down your enemies? Good luck,
  
• What's with what Nathan saw in the mirror?
• Of course, Claire's stalker can fly. Has Nathan got another kid out there?
• I wonder what Mr. Sulu's power was?
  
• I don't know how well this show can work with Hiro separated from everyone.
• Those are some awful accents.
  
• Who locked up Peter Petrilli? More importantly, he finally cut off those awful bangs?

All and all, a good setup for the season but I definitely have my concerns. I hope we aren't going to have another Boogeyman villain and Hiro needs to rejoin the rest of the cast sooner than later.

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New Joker PIcture From "The Dark Knight"

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World War Hallow: Weasleys Getting Gully Edition

Lord.

Lord.

Smashathon 2007 took a back seat last week. Last week was all about getting a cup of coffee at 10:30, getting in line at 11, dealing with kids stepping over me until midnight, getting it at 12:15, getting home at 12:30, having a sifter of Henny at 2:30, screaming “DON’T GO UPSTAIRS YOU MORON” at 3, making a cup of dat earl grey at 4:30, crying because she killed SPOILER DELETED at 5:30, making the pot of coffee at 6:30, finishing at 8, being giddy until 9 am, and falling asleep for 3 hours.

And then reading it again. The whole thing. Twice in one day. I defy anyone to fuck with my dork grind.

So in honor of the conclusion of the best series of books of all time, World War Hulk doesn’t get a smash factor this week. World War Hulk gets a Hallow Factor.

Hulk/She Hulk interaction: One Hallow

WWH has contained a lot of stereotypical female behavior. Last episode, Medusa was on some “Don’t Mess With My Man” shit like she was Lucy Pearl. And here comes She Hulk with the “everyone has tried to talk with him, but not ME, I’m SPECIAL, he’ll listen to ME.” The only thing worse than trying to reason with a green pissed off galactic king is when you BITE THAT STEEZ. I’m talking to you, Sue Storm. Bad enough that She-Hulk thought the whole cousin thing was going to help, but why would Hulk care what Sue thinks?

He doesn’t. He doesn’t care what any of the hos think. Hulk has a gaping hole in his heart where his queen used to live, and no words of solace from his puny cousin is going to fix it. For his animal masculine needs, he’s got that Kaifi chick in the golden armor. Which means, in a way, that Hulk is pretty enlightened. Regardless of your race, gender, or religion, Hulk will treat you the same. Hulk will smash your damn body through three feet of road.

Cumulative Hulk Crew Smashing: One Hallow

Man, on the page where the Warbound go through the Avengers, you see Hulk did not bring the B Team back to Earth. The Ambiguous Gender dude with the metal arms plasmas Luke Cage to the Bronx. The guy who looks like the Thing smashes a head. And yet it’s the Brood who cements himself as the Sen Dog to Hulk’s B Real by throwing tentacles and a fiery blast down Ms. Marvel’s gullet. Ms. Marvel is lame as hell, and Brood knew that. Watch and see if Brood doesn’t go straight for the punk in every fight. Brood could take anybody, but punks offend Brood’s aesthetic sensibilities.

Storm, Torch, and Thing Trying Hard: Three Hallows.

Storm threw a hurricane at Hulk. Johnny set about four square blocks on fire. Thing had the utter audacity to try to slug it out. If you’re a citizen of the 616, you can’t ask anymore. If you’re a superhero and you throw a hurricane, you’ve done your job. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to the other guy. Barkley played like a beast in the 93 Finals, but Mike was better. No shame.

Hulk CLAPPING ON THING’S DAMN HEAD: One Hallow

Ain’t nothing sweet.

Intermission: One Hallow awarded to WWH XMen 2

Enough people have commented upon the fact that the books affiliated with WWH haven’t helped advance the story much.

To which I reply: “Story? Qua?”

I’ve glanced at a couple of the side issues. People have gone overboard with the Ghost Rider slander, which was only bad the first issue and downright enjoyable in the second. Incredy 107 was fine. Thus far, WWH XMen has contained some of the best smashing of the series. Issue 2 features Wolverine getting pummeled and Hulk not caring that Kitty turned his arms into stone.

End Intermission

Richards: Three Hallows

Reed Richards going out like an absolute punk has to be the highlight of the series thus far. At least Iron Man built a cool suit and tried to fight. Mr. Fantastic built a nightlight.

I was quite pleased to see that the Marvel writers followed the laws of physics. When Hulk put the Macho Man Savage double axe handle on Reed’s head, it properly caused Reed’s body to expand outward, much in the same way that squeezing the middle of a tube of toothpaste will sent Colgate screaming towards both ends. Reed also suffered the further humiliation of the Hulk dragging him through the street. This indicates that Hulk realizes that while all the Illuminati deserve his hate, only one deserves his complete disdain.

General Ross 2 Page Spread: Minus One Hallow

So Issue 3 is going to be Hulk throwing tanks around? What’s so cool about that? Hulk has already taken down Tony, Reed, and Black Bolt. I assume he’s throwing Xavier over his shoulder in the third XMen issue. From a vengeance perspective, all he really has to do is bust into Sanctum Sanctorium and we’ve run out of plot for the last three issues. I don’t care about the Sentry at all, but judging by the Issue 5 cover his fight with Hulk is going to be the climax of the whole event. I’m worried, fam.

Final Hallow Rating: Nine Hallows

Granted, the new Harry Potter got a billion jillion Hallows, but for a comic, you can assume 9 Hallows to be pretty frickin’ sweet.

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An Idiot's Guide to World War Hulk: It's Here (C) Common

Now I know why the Posse needed me. If you go over to okayplayer.com right now, you can hear a lot of fools screaming that this issue gets an infinite smash factor. These are the same people who called Stillmatic a classic. The post-modern devaluation of standards of good and bad has now taken some of the greatest comics minds of my generation. For shame, PtP. For shame.

Figure 1: An Average Album

Not to get all Russian figure skating judge on you, but there are some clear elements of WWH that necessitate mandatory deductions. For one thing, the “puny human” and “smash” talk is overdone. Yes, it’s the Hulk and these are his signature lines. He doesn’t have to say them every page, and his adversaries don’t have to use them nearly so often. Should Ms. Marvel really be saying that Hulk smashed Black Bolt? That’s really her go-to verb in that situation?

More importantly, people need to get their fight standards up, because the fight with Black Bolt was just awesome, not insane, grotesque, over-the-top, the-Hulk-is-back-in-town-and-the-world-is-doomed awesome. Yes, watching Black Bolt’s voice peel back the skin on Hulk’s face transported me to a higher place Yes, the “I want to hear you scream” line was cold. Yes, waving his carcass around for the world to see was gangsta.

But can we please see the actual smashing? I need to know how Hulk got over on Black Bolt. Did Hulk take him down in a fair fight, or did he just get the jump on him with that flying leap and knock him out before Bolt could really get going? If it’s the latter, did he really do anything that cool? I could sneak up behind Liddell and smack him on the head with a 2X4, and I’ve won the fight. I demand this fight be given proper treatment in one of the side books this month, or I demand seeing Hulk throw Bolt around later in the series.

So let’s chill on the perfect smash factor talk.

However…

Man.

Man.

FUCKING A

There was some smashing.

Asteroids got smashed. It’s their fault for chilling out between Mars and Jupiter and not forming a planet like the rest of the rocks in its graduating class. And then Hulk jumped onto the Moon. This may be the underrated moment of the series. Only suckers dock their ship and use the airlock.

Let none of the preceding argument make the reader think that I do not recognize the fundamental coolness of how thoroughly Hulk smashed Black Bolt. Dude peeled back Hulk’s skin, and Hulk was on him three seconds later. My favorite moment of the encounter was cocky-ass Medusa talking up her man before the throwdown. We desperately needed a few panels with her afterwards, because now that he’s got his ass smashed, we all know there’s NO damn way she’s sticking with Black Bolt. After the fight Hulk was probably all like, “Woman, you like inhumans? This is my ace, the Brood.” Brood be like, “Sup darling? The X Men fucked up my thrown world. I gots to go fuck up their mansion, but how bout I holla at you on the way back?” And that’s how Medusa is gonna roll, because she tired of fucking her mute-ass cousin for all these years.

(Oh shit, son. Shelly knows some back story.)

Figure 2: PtP is for the ladies

And then there was the royal dicking Tony Starks receives on EVERY SINGLE PAGE of this book. Please don’t sleep on the feedback loop the Warbound sent straight to Tony’s dome. That’s absolutely critical, since it showed Tony he was not fucking with the same dumb Hulk of years gone by. Tony got his ass whupped so bad that Dr. Strange had to show up and TELL him he got his ass whupped. Damn.

Then there’s the fight itself. Legendary. Down by law. Everything you could expect from this series and more. I’ve got to say, Tony tried. That rocket fist is cool, and the ability to throw the Hulk through several buildings should not be underestimated.

However, two obvious mistakes doomed Tony to quick and brutal retribution. First, Iron Man punked himself with his pompous, Rumsfieldian “I will protect you” speech. That speech made me resolve to finally read Civil War, because I need to know what possible sequence of events could have made a tin can so gassed on himself. The writers deserve all the credit in the world for including the prototypical “bad guy talking shit halfway through the fight and making a really bad mistake in doing so.” I was really glad Hulk didn’t hear that speech, because he would have started laughing, which would have compromised his madness level.

But you really can’t blame Tony for getting himself smashed. The second, absolutely critical mistake that doomed him was not his fault. Right now, open a new tab, wiki “Iron Man’s Armor,” and note where it says that his brand new Hulkbuster Armor MKII has Tony “ready to tackle the Hulk upon his return from space.”

Ha.

Ha Ha

AHAHAHAA!!

“OH HELL...”

Figure 3: Oops

SOME STARKS FAN BOY RAN HIS MOUTH!!! HULK SAW THAT!! HIS SHIP HAS NET ACCESS!! NOW SOME BUSH VOTING STARK FAN BOY IS CRYING!!

Needless to say, Hulk slightly disagreed with Fan Boy’s assessment. Needless to say, Hulk SMASHED HIM THROUGH EVERY FUCKING FLOOR IN A 100 STORY BULDING. If we're honest with ourselves, we can say that WWH can end right now and we can’t complain, because we can't ask anything more than that. He took apart frickin’ Iron Man completely and in mere seconds.

But the folks at Marvel will deign to give us more goodness. Every time I think of that last panel, I crack a little smile, because I think of what Colonel Sanders and the rest of the Love Brigade must look like then they see Hulk coming out of the rubble even madder. They know their time is coming in Issue 2. I imagine this does not sit well with them.

Smash Factor: 4.33 out of 5. It's on.

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Worst Comic I Bought This Week: Uncanny X-Men #487

I spend a shitload of money on comics and while I wish they were all winners, odds are they are a couple of stinkers in the bunch. Every week, I'm going to post about the comic I wish I had left on the shelves. It goes without saying that there will be spoilers.

The Comic: Uncanny X-Men #487

Writer: Ed Brubaker

Artist: Salvador Larroca

Description: The X-Men are back from space! Well, half of them, anyway. The team is shattered, broken and separated. The group that has returned to earth is finding it much worse than how they left it-- especially underground. Attacks in the Morlock Tunnels immediately grab the X-Men’s attention. What do these attacks have to do with the future of the mutant race? Maybe special guest-star Storm can get to the bottom of all this!

Why It Sucked: Now that the mediocre "Rise & Fall of the Shi'ar Empire" which after 12 issues really didn't end, it just gave the editors a way to get Professor X his powers back (Once Magneto gets his powers back...or did that already happen...House of M will have been nothing more than an excuse to start three Wolverine origin minis and make everyone hate Brian Michael Bendis even more)...where was I? Oh yeah. This comic made no sense. The Morlocks are back and hatching some plan that involves hurting poor little Leech. Warpath flirts with Hepzibah over knives and Storm takes a break from her other two books (Black Panther - which should be renamed When Stormy Met T'Challa or Sleepless in Wakanda - and The Fantastic Six) because for some reason, Brubaker decides to bring up that old Storm used to run the Morlocks angle. That was the 80's, Ed. What kind of influence would Storm have over the Morlocks? That's like asking Jimmy Carter to end the Iraq War. Anyway, I'm going to pretend that Brubaker didn't write this shit.

Runner-Up: Countdown #47. Sure, Black Adam, murderer of maybe a million people, could hide out in Gotham and Batman wouldn't fucking know! Sure.

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An Idiot's Guide to World War Hulk: May Days

And off we go. The first two books of WWH are designed to get morons like me up to speed as to why Hulk will be smashing the good guys over the next few months. We get a lot of plot development with just a teeny tiny preview of the goodness that is to come.

The Incredible Hulk 106

The cover might be the smashingest thing about this book. Hulk looks more constipated than angry, so it won’t win any art awards, but it’s a solid concept. Hulk is grabbing the world, each hand significantly bigger than the gigantic low pressure system developing in the Atlantic. Fuck weather.

Once you open the cover, you’re getting a lot of She Hulk being remorseful and conflicted and degreened by head asshole in charge, Tony Stark. The panel where she smacks Tony upside the head is a nice precursor to what her cousin is going to do, and Tony’s cunning in using the head smack to his advantage actually has me a little worried he might be able to pull off something similar to the headliner. Reed Richards introduces himself to new readers as the kind of guy who seeks to capture little kids. Marvel even establishes a subdick, some guy named Dr. Sanders, who is clearly going to be the victim of a particularly gruesome smashing as a message to the head dicks. If this issue does nothing else, it establishes who the bad guys are, which the four little kids who still read comics will appreciate. WWH Commandment 2: Thou shalt not feel bad about the smashing.

Other than that, blah blah blah. I own a coyote, blah blah blah. I love my cousin but am conflicted about what he becomes, blah blah blah. The only real smashing that occurs are in the flashbacks to some of Hulk’s earlier, less notable ass kickings and when She Hulk punches Doc Sanders into the next county. I did ask for a little background, so I won’t complain too much. Yet we can reasonably expect this issue to contain the least amount of smashing for a long, long time.

SMASH FACTOR: 1 of 5.

World War Hulk Prologue

OH

SHIT!!!!

THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!! HE HAS A SWORD HE DOESN’T NEED, BUT HE LIKES IT!! HE HAS A LESS POSITIVE OPINION OF SOME ALIEN SCAVENGERS TRYING TO JACK HIS SHIP!! HE THINKS THEY’RE ILLUMINATI AND HE THROWS REED AND DR. STRANGE INTO THE SUN!! THE TENSION MOUNTS!! ON WITH THE BODY COUNT!!

The sword should give us a lot of hope for the future of WWH. Hulk should remember how cool the sword is and either keep using it or come up with an even cooler and more unnecessary weapon. We can safely assume Hulk will employ cars, lampposts, and the rest of the usual suspects, but what if Hulk gets ahold of a chainsaw? I see no reason Hulk can’t tape a Glock to his back and put a couple slugs into the Thing at close range John McClain style. I’d also be open to some cut rate hero breaking Hulk’s sword, which would make him just that much more angry, because he likes it. The possibilities are endless.

The rest of the main story is pretty good with some nice flashbacks and old school Ironman pictures, but Mini Marvels steal the show. Anything that shows you don’t take yourself or your mega crossover event too seriously wins points with me, and it’s legitimately funny. For once I didn’t think Namor was dour and irrelevant, as his “the fish are good” line was one of the best. If Marvel wanted to do a four page Mini Marvel summary of every WWH issue, they’d have my support.

The only negative about the Prologue is that I’m starting to get real suspicious of Amadeus Cho and his potential to take up way too many pages that should be dedicated to smashing. So far he’s been fine and even a little entertaining. He’s got a mini-T.A.O. thing going on, and he seems to have the Hulk’s best interests in mind. But I do not need some kid executing Byzantine schemes in WWH unless they put Richards or Stark into compromising, green positions.

SMASH FACTOR: An enthusiastic 3.5 out of 5. I have vowed to give no issue of WWH more than a 5 of 5 Smash Factor, so I have to be careful with how high these early rankings go. The Prologue features some truly inspirational smashing that nonetheless felt like the last few pitches a reliever throws in warm up. Sure, they’re at game speed, but the real fireworks have yet to start.

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An Idiot’s Guide to World War Hulk: A Prelude

First off, the idiot in question is not you, my dear reader. I am an idiot for many reasons, two of which are particularly relevant for our current purposes.

One, I have been the foremost detractor of the Prep Time Posse since its inception. They can’t make a comics post over at okayplayer without me saying something cheeky about how they’re dorks, geeks, or some combination of the two. I hope it’s been clear that this is all in fun. It’s probably less clear (if only to me) that I was using my little jokes to pretend to draw some line between me and Comic Book Nation. As you can tell by my asking to write 10k total words for this blog, there is no line. For God’s sake, I read summaries on wiki of events that happened 15 years ago at least three times a week. It’s time to come out of the closet. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

Figure I: JRennolds

The second component of my idiocy is my ignorance. I don’t know comics very well, although I am trying to bring my knowledge up to speed. In that regard, the recommendations of PtP have proved helpful, but my true mentor has been an uber dork in the Philadelphia area that shall only be known as the Inscrutable Dr. Yamada (pictured). He’s the one who feeds me 100 Bullets trade paperbacks and Desolation Jones trade paperbacks and makes sure I understand what a trade paperback is. But remediation is a slow process and, really, I’m still pretty comics dumb.

Figure 2: The Inscrutable Dr. Yamada

The point of my ramblings: don’t expect a particularly nuanced view of World War Hulk. Don’t expect a discussion of how WWH is an allegory for fallibility of all human concepts of the good but that Watchmen did it much better. Don’t expect any attempt to place WWH in any kind of historical context. History is for bitches.

I’m not able to speak to any of that, and I don’t care about it in the least. Here’s what I want to see out of World War Hulk, in outline format.

I. Hulk Smash

A. Prelude (brief)

i. Why Hulk Smashes

ii. Who Hulk Hopes to Smash

B. Actual Smashing

i. The general public

ii. Famous landmarks

iii. Bitch Ass Tony Stark

iv. Reed Richards, former hero, now dick

v. Any other cool shit that gets in the way of smashing i-iv

vi. Hulk turning on and smashing lame extraterrestrial gladiator friends

C. Black Bolt gagged and tied to outside of weird ass spaceship

D. Angst among targets of Smashing (brief)

II. Heroes Smash

A. Ghost Rider using hellfire and big chains in a failed attempt to derail Hulk smashing

B. Stop or contain Hulk in epic smash escalation

C. Involvement of Thor

Figure 3: Komar gets it

Please note that “plot” and “themes” and any other wise guy shit are not in the outline. Frankly, if you need plot to enjoy a four month arc of Hulk smashing, you need to stop re-reading Ender’s Game and go to a strip club. The only standard on which one can judge WWH is whether it succeeds in its obvious goal of being the Tucker Max of 2007 Comics. Tucker Max is many things, but subtle isn’t one of them.

Figure 4: Lame as hell but captivating

But while you may be disgusted by my preoccupation with smashing and my disdain for anything even remotely intellectual, I do hope you appreciate the effort and standards I bring into determining whether the smashing is any good. For example, kindly note that I’ve clearly and accurately singled out the two gentlemen most in need of smashing. I hope we all understand that if WWH ends without Richards and Stark getting repeatedly and brutally smashed, it must be deemed a complete failure. I didn’t read Civil War as a point of pride, but I have figured out that Ironman has been accumulating about a year’s worth of Grade A smash-worthy karma. Even I understand that any time a comic character vaguely resembles a Republican, he’s running into a critical beat down sooner rather than later, which, as a Republican, he obviously deserves.

But the guy I want to see smashed the worst is Reed Richards, for a couple reasons. One, I have a crush on Sue Storm and Richards is way too much of an herb for her. Two, his character in Ultimate Alliance is one of the more overrated video game characters I have played. Those extendo fists are slow as hell, and there’s not a single attack he has that some other character doesn’t do more effectively. Yet all the FF dorks over at IGN keep telling me he’s “one of the best midrange characters in the game.” Whatever—those dudes suck dick for rocks.

Figure 5: You see it

But the most important reason Reed Richards needs to be smashed epically is that he has turned into a very effective and convincing dick. I have read the Illuminati, and Reed’s dickness in those issues borders on the sublime. Who tries to collect the Infiniti Gems? With a 700 IQ, you can’t figure out that’s a bad idea? And not using the Gauntlet to start wrecking shit and fucking Emma Frost just reinforces the notion that he’s somehow, amazingly, improbably, both a dick and a pussy. Now he’s trying to take out some kid who adopts coyote puppies? Man, this dude sucks. Marvel has done a brilliant job making him into the dour assistant principal whose only job is to hand out detentions and who becomes amazingly bitter and Machiavellian as a result. My assistant principal was Keith Godshall (not pictured), and, God, did he need to be smashed. I’ll be thinking of Doc Godshall every time a green fist literally flattens Richards.

Figure 6: Not Doc Godshall, but the closest Google Image could get me

My plan for the next four months is to buy everything with WWH on the cover except the Gamma Corps, which just looks retarded. I intend to write up my thoughts about every 4 issues, or whenever I get so terrified of my book manuscript that I need to do something else.

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