Saturday, April 29, 2006

HOs HO’s HO’s , Slum Village said it best and they must have been thinking about this woman here . Storm……

About five months a go I started this journey into exposing the realest whore in the marvel universe. She’s the Buffie the body of Marvel. People want her and people get her. I mean the girls had more rubber on here than the 405 freeway (that’s for my Los Angeles folks). So when I last left off I was telling you about how she runs through the marvel universe fucking and sucking up a storm… Get it? Ok ok I know cheap shot but it was funny. Well let’s go down the list she’s had Doom Some jungle man an African King and even had Dracula sucking her off RIP AL Lewis.

So now here we are time to continue this journey of a ho turned housewife turned goddess turned Halle Berry .

So After that short run in with the Count she was off to fuck up another man's head but this time on her way she lost her groove and almost drowned in the bayou, but was then saved by this one armed one leg cat named Forge. She gave up the goods of course seeing that she had never had amputee sex, But she was quick to leave him cause she wasn't down with that Indian Casino shit ya know. We all know she left cause son put that Native American charm on her and opened her shit up, but alas.... So she flew to Africa to get back to her roots and ended up meeting this God named Loki. This cat played captain save a hoe and gave her diamonds and shit and all she did in return is use them fucking horns as a dildo.

That shit got old and she went back to the X Mansion and tried to get some of that Summers dick But he wasn't having it he was too busy thinking about Heath Ledger or some gay shit so she tried to bounce on the whole X -Team.
But then who does she run into? That's right her ex lover Callisto. Now I don't know about lesbian relationships but I hear those things are violent so I'm not even gonna touch the subject. Anyway, she makes it back to the mansion and runs into a new and Improved John Redcor...... I mean Forge who does this crazy ass war dance to call his wind pussy back.
Well it worked he had this broad on sprung she stayed with him at his spot and they "fell in Love". Well later on the X-Men fight this adversary cat and win but then pretened to be dead. All the while Storm starts a secret relationship with Jean Grey, Which not only angers the "I'm not gay but I look like it" Cyclops. He approached her and asked why didn't she say anything "I would have jumped in." But you know Storms a greedy hoe she don't share her goodies with no one. Well it went from bad to worse cause John Redforge wasn't going for that lesbo ish and when he found out he walked. He has been the only piece of dick to ever get out of her sticky grasp....

Well I was trying to make this a two part series but man this girl has had so many a lover that Wilt Champerlain was on her list..... So wait another 5 months to see the rest of STORM NUMBER ONE SUPER HOE.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Oh Stan... Stan, My Man.

Why do you hurt me?

Why do you hurt us all?

BTW This not my "official" first blog entry... Soon come.

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The following is a guest entry by an associate of mine, Wilbur Simons.

Hello Internet. My name is Wilbur Simons. I was invited to this blog by Mr. Kangaroo Love after he overheard me at the comics shop arguing about whether or not Poison Ivy could seduce Midnighter from The Authority. I am writing this because I have something to get off my chest. I have been collecting comic books since 1975 so I feel my opinion is very valuable. But right now I am not happy. I have a bone to pick with DC for their unethical treatment of Firestorm, the greatest hero to ever grace the DCU.

Ronnie Raymond is my favorite character of all time, so it absolutely traumatized me when DC hired hack writer Brad Meltzer to kill him off in Identity Crisis so he could be replaced with a new edgy & hip wannabe incarnation.

I think this is a detriment to Firestorm fans as well as a disgrace to the character. First to make something clear, I know many people will assume I don't like the new Firestorm because he is African-American. That is not true. I place Blade in my top 5 vampire hunters of all time and I am the proud owner of a framed photo of myself with Billy Dee Williams. So you can clearly see I am not a racist. I would'nt even like this new Firestorm if he was a white guy named Wilbur who liked tapioca pudding and SG1.

What I am here to do is make a difference. That is why I am organizing a group known as R.N.A.S.F. (Ronnie's Nuclear Army of Special Friends.) We will make our presence known and continue to boycott all DC Comics products until Ronnie Raymond is reinstated as his rightful position of Firestorm. If you call yourself a true Firestorm fan, I urge you to join me.

Thank you, Internet.

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Monday, April 24, 2006

"Once upon a time not long ago when people wore pajamas and lived life slow..."
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^^ Slick Rick, the G.O.A.T.

Well folks, it looks like the comicbook industry has officially entered the Platinum Age. Rejoice...if you can afford to! What is this Platinum Age I speak of? Let me tell you dear reader, it is an age of wonder, creation, discovery and paper thin wallets. It has dawned and yes, we the mindless consuming masses have bitten.

The industry is making that skrilla!!! In fact, it can be argued that this is the healthiest our medium has been in years; I am happy yet poor at the same time. In order to follow a story nowadays, it is vital that you cop "X amount" of books so you can "understand" everything. And let me tell you, I am a goddamned (Batman) sheep!

I have brought into all of the hype and unfortunatly I haven't had a full return on my "investment." As much as I love the big crossovers, I am sick to death of the goddamned (Batman....again?) tie-ins. Why? Well I hate to admit this but, I'm weak and those tie-ins eventually hook me and get added to my pull-list. Kudos to you big industry fat cats, you are winning the game! DC is leading the pack, all this OYL and IC "spill-over" is killing me.

In the past few months I have added: Manhunter, Firestorm, Checkmate, 52, Detective Comics, Action Comics etc. to my list. My Wallet? It's dry like the Sahara! As is the case with many of these recent addittions, I am satisfied. The stories are great and the art is killer; don't even get me started on Manhunter...

At the same time, some of these books have failed to meet my expectations, I can't.....drop....them....though! Argh, HULK SMASH!!!! Why? Because the solits. for upcoming issues sound too good and I'm afraid I'll miss something in terms of the overall story down the road. Again, I am weak and losing the financial battle with these corporate slugs! Enough complaining though, let me dwell on the positives.

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^^ "I'm rich, bitches!!!!" - The Bishop

First of all, most books in terms of quality, have been incredible! I have never been this excited about comicbooks. I am beginning to see the overall reasoning and blueprints of the newly polished DC Universe; Marvel is starting to shine as well. Corporate espionage, sex, drugs, Rock 'N' Roll, real-life poltical "situations", diversity, drama and straight-up freshness explodes out of the panels week-to-week! Granted this stuff isn't for the weak of heart or even the youth but still, comics are amazing right now!

I hate to admit how damn geeky I am but I refused to take a girl out to lunch this past Wendsday so I'd have enough money to spend on comics. That's cold-blooded, pimp! Obviously this doesn't bode well for my social life and future. For I fear one day I will be alone, 40-years-old and living in my ma's basement arguing on some message board about Captain America vs. a cage match! Oh yeah, this is also a negative because I don't have money to spend on entertainment outside of comics; I read 10 books a week?! Damn straight I'm weak!

Whatever though, this stuff is ill right now. The industry is firing on all 9000 cylinders! Alot of slept-on history is being rediscovered and brought to the forefront (see: Hooded Mayor Oliver Queen), concepts have been given new life and barriers have been shattered with the force of 1,000,000,000 hurricanes! Isht is being dug-up at a break-neck pace and my love of comics has been rekindled. It's all gravy, baby chains! Look at it this way, comics in the 90's were like a rusted aluminum chain (fuck that!), comics now are "blanging" harder than 50's G-Unit spinner (I'd rock it...for the ladies!)!

Gold chains like comics, are expensive. That's why they are geared toward the 20-35 year-old age group, we can afford an extent!

Now, I realize I have deviated from my initial topic of discussion "right herr" but damn, this isht is complex! Next time you complain about the industry, stop and think to yourself: "this platinum pinky ring sure looks alot better than that Ring Pop that lame hippy bastard is wearing plus, it pulls the ladies!" If you can't afford to ride or rock the gems, get the fuck outta here! As for the multi-part crossovers? Sure they are expensive but hey dude, it's worth it, maybe....


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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Where Art Thou, Superman?

(contains Infinite Crisis spoilers)

Calling all cars, calling all cars.

Looking for a white Caucasian male, possible alien.

About 6 feet tall, dark hair, blue eyes...Able to leap tall buildings in a singe bound.

Goes by the name of Kal-El or Superman.

I thought Infinite Crisis was supposed to reinvigorate the Big 3.

If that's the case, where's Waldo...I mean...Superman been this entire series?

Nope, everything seems fine around here.
I guess I'm not needed

Wonder Woman spent two issues defending Themyscira from OMACs and hanging out with Earth-2 Wonder Woman.

Batman? He's been everywhere.

In the course of this series, Batman has...
...been at the ruins of the Watchtower
...back in Gotham where he met Earth 2 Supes and faced off against Red Hood in his own book
...Bludhaven to meet up with Nightwing
...back in Gotham with the Brave and The Bold planning an attack on Brother Eye space knocking Brother Eye out of orbit
...finally ending up at Alexander Luthor's tower which is apparently right by The Fortress of Solitude

All this despite not having the gift of flight.

Superman? well, after getting emasculated by Batman, he actually went back to WORK as Clark Kent for a spell. He stopped some windows from falling on a crowd, stopped a couple of OMACs, hooked up with Earth-2 Superman on Earth 2 and finally showed up to his neighborhood to watch Superboy die. Did Ruin keep him THAT occupied?

I know Superman can't be everywhere at once but if Batman can get around...

No, it may seem like I'm being a little unforgiving here but the only way Infinite Crisis works if Superman happens to not be around.

You're saying with all that was going on...Earth 2 Superman flying around on his Earth, the Society killing the Freedom Fighters, Superboy Prime going to HIS house in Kansas and fighting our Superboy all the way to Keystone City, the sonic booms created by the Flashes, the only time he did something is when he heard Earth 2 Superman yell "Lois" (from another Earth no less which he got to pretty quickly)?

As George Oscar Bluth II (a.k.a. G.O.B.) on Arrested Development would say, "Come on!"

I'm sure Superman will do something MIND BLOWINGLY AMAZING in Infinite Crisis #7 but it will be a case of too little too late.

Batman's right, maybe Superman should just die to inspire everyone again...

Oh wait, I think I just figured out Infinite Crisis #7...

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

There Can Only Be One

I am an internet fiend; I’m also a comic book nerd. Through my surfing I’ve encountered the horror stories of cantankerous comic shop employees and the terrible “fans” that haunt the halls of 4-colored madness. Every so often I hear about the token comic shop owner that is burnt out on the medium he pushes to the masses. He is always angry and happy to squeeze those extra bucks out of your wallet. Damn those $7.00 back issues and the 40-year-old virgins/crooks!

But guess what? The stories are just that to me, nothing but fairytales of terror. Now over the years I’ve encountered a few bad apples; comic shop employees that hassle the young Pokemon-consuming masses (and their mothers). I have even put up with the, “if they kill Rainbow Raider and replace him with Don Johnson, I’m going to kill everyone at DC” fans. That was then, when I went from shop-to-shop each week to get my reality-escaping fix of fun. Those evils have since evaporated from my life.
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JR reading LOSH
I’m 22-years-old and yes, I am a f!@#ing dork that loves my comics. I have also found THE SHOP OF ALL SHOPS. I am constantly adding and subtracting titles from my hold slot…at a whim! Most comic shop employees wouldn’t and don’t put up with that isht; “they don’t have the time to cater to each customer’s needs.” Sure, you can get a hold slot at any shop you frequent on a regular basis but most of the time, the dudes that run the shop just put your pulls in your box and that’s that.

At my shop, the guys that run it offer killer discounts to their customers, they care about the reader, they always get you each and every issue you request and they are even worth talking to. I hate going to comic shops and catching an ear full about “why Marvel sucks” and how the little kids that cop Yugi-Oh cards are so damned annoying.

John and Omar, the guys that run my shop are friendly, and smart. I look forward to chilling at Highlander each week because it affords me the opportunity to discuss politics, express my conservative views to a receptive crowd, converse about women, and even speak about the other (more disturbing) issues that our world revolves upon. And yes, a lot of ladies roll through Highlander Comics, probably because they feel welcome. I also get to be among a diverse, young, hip and neat crowd when I pick up my weeklies.
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John Murphy, the owner of Highlander Comics
Hell, a couple weeks ago, a hilarious Denver stand-up comic was testing his new routine on those in the shop. Sometimes, the young anti-establishment-corporate crowd comes through on their lunch breaks, and despite the stereotypical views you may hold, those cats are hilarious. When they’re around the conversation never fails to lead to big-booty women and the frills attached to getting plastered at the bar. My comic shop is also a great place to network; the owner John helped me get some PA work a few weeks back. One thing though, Omar hates graffiti. If you tag the shop up he will kill you, he can tolerate taggers scrawling on the doors of corporate America though…..or so he says!

Highlander is also in the niftiest and grimiest part of Downtown Denver, Capitol Hill. I never fail to land some free entertainment courtesy of law enforcement. It has gotten better though, the city has put video cameras on all the street corners in the area but once in a while you’ll still encounter a stumbling drunk and/or coked-up hooker. It makes for a cool sociological journey each week because you literally walk the line between hood and city-living at it’s finest. And yes, the area is safe!

Now I can go on and on about why Highlander rules but I won’t, I don’t have to. If you’ve been there once you’ve no doubt experienced the joy of the place. Everybody who walks through the doors...never wants to leave!

In short, we need more shops like Highlander. If every shop was a place that people could truly feel comfortable in, our medium would thrive. There is nothing like copping your comics each week minus the hassles of bitchmade store employees and lunatic customers.

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