Wednesday, July 25, 2007

World War Hallow: Weasleys Getting Gully Edition



Smashathon 2007 took a back seat last week. Last week was all about getting a cup of coffee at 10:30, getting in line at 11, dealing with kids stepping over me until midnight, getting it at 12:15, getting home at 12:30, having a sifter of Henny at 2:30, screaming “DON’T GO UPSTAIRS YOU MORON” at 3, making a cup of dat earl grey at 4:30, crying because she killed SPOILER DELETED at 5:30, making the pot of coffee at 6:30, finishing at 8, being giddy until 9 am, and falling asleep for 3 hours.

And then reading it again. The whole thing. Twice in one day. I defy anyone to fuck with my dork grind.

So in honor of the conclusion of the best series of books of all time, World War Hulk doesn’t get a smash factor this week. World War Hulk gets a Hallow Factor.

Hulk/She Hulk interaction: One Hallow

WWH has contained a lot of stereotypical female behavior. Last episode, Medusa was on some “Don’t Mess With My Man” shit like she was Lucy Pearl. And here comes She Hulk with the “everyone has tried to talk with him, but not ME, I’m SPECIAL, he’ll listen to ME.” The only thing worse than trying to reason with a green pissed off galactic king is when you BITE THAT STEEZ. I’m talking to you, Sue Storm. Bad enough that She-Hulk thought the whole cousin thing was going to help, but why would Hulk care what Sue thinks?

He doesn’t. He doesn’t care what any of the hos think. Hulk has a gaping hole in his heart where his queen used to live, and no words of solace from his puny cousin is going to fix it. For his animal masculine needs, he’s got that Kaifi chick in the golden armor. Which means, in a way, that Hulk is pretty enlightened. Regardless of your race, gender, or religion, Hulk will treat you the same. Hulk will smash your damn body through three feet of road.

Cumulative Hulk Crew Smashing: One Hallow

Man, on the page where the Warbound go through the Avengers, you see Hulk did not bring the B Team back to Earth. The Ambiguous Gender dude with the metal arms plasmas Luke Cage to the Bronx. The guy who looks like the Thing smashes a head. And yet it’s the Brood who cements himself as the Sen Dog to Hulk’s B Real by throwing tentacles and a fiery blast down Ms. Marvel’s gullet. Ms. Marvel is lame as hell, and Brood knew that. Watch and see if Brood doesn’t go straight for the punk in every fight. Brood could take anybody, but punks offend Brood’s aesthetic sensibilities.

Storm, Torch, and Thing Trying Hard: Three Hallows.

Storm threw a hurricane at Hulk. Johnny set about four square blocks on fire. Thing had the utter audacity to try to slug it out. If you’re a citizen of the 616, you can’t ask anymore. If you’re a superhero and you throw a hurricane, you’ve done your job. Sometimes you just have to tip your cap to the other guy. Barkley played like a beast in the 93 Finals, but Mike was better. No shame.


Ain’t nothing sweet.

Intermission: One Hallow awarded to WWH XMen 2

Enough people have commented upon the fact that the books affiliated with WWH haven’t helped advance the story much.

To which I reply: “Story? Qua?”

I’ve glanced at a couple of the side issues. People have gone overboard with the Ghost Rider slander, which was only bad the first issue and downright enjoyable in the second. Incredy 107 was fine. Thus far, WWH XMen has contained some of the best smashing of the series. Issue 2 features Wolverine getting pummeled and Hulk not caring that Kitty turned his arms into stone.

End Intermission

Richards: Three Hallows

Reed Richards going out like an absolute punk has to be the highlight of the series thus far. At least Iron Man built a cool suit and tried to fight. Mr. Fantastic built a nightlight.

I was quite pleased to see that the Marvel writers followed the laws of physics. When Hulk put the Macho Man Savage double axe handle on Reed’s head, it properly caused Reed’s body to expand outward, much in the same way that squeezing the middle of a tube of toothpaste will sent Colgate screaming towards both ends. Reed also suffered the further humiliation of the Hulk dragging him through the street. This indicates that Hulk realizes that while all the Illuminati deserve his hate, only one deserves his complete disdain.

General Ross 2 Page Spread: Minus One Hallow

So Issue 3 is going to be Hulk throwing tanks around? What’s so cool about that? Hulk has already taken down Tony, Reed, and Black Bolt. I assume he’s throwing Xavier over his shoulder in the third XMen issue. From a vengeance perspective, all he really has to do is bust into Sanctum Sanctorium and we’ve run out of plot for the last three issues. I don’t care about the Sentry at all, but judging by the Issue 5 cover his fight with Hulk is going to be the climax of the whole event. I’m worried, fam.

Final Hallow Rating: Nine Hallows

Granted, the new Harry Potter got a billion jillion Hallows, but for a comic, you can assume 9 Hallows to be pretty frickin’ sweet.

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