Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Roy Terdberger's Comic Book Happenings

2008: Year of Teh Suck
by Roy Terdberger, Comics Blogger to the stars

Terdberger here, transmitting at you live from 2.20 GHz of AMD Inspiron processing power and enough RAM to fry the short and curlies off your pruny little nut sacks. That's right, friends, Your Homeboy Roy finally saved up enough scratch for that new DELL 9200 he's been eyeing for so long (or as I like to call it, "The Pussy Magnet") - and let me tell you friends, if you thought I was a badass before, just watch out World (of Warcraft)!!!

But I digress. Friends, as you're probably all too aware by now, 2008 is shaping up to be another landmark year in the continuing shittification of the American Funnybook. And you know Roy Terdberger isn't the type to just stand quietly in the corner when something's stuck in his craw. So I'm here to set the record straight on What's 'Hot' and What's 'Not' in 2008.

Oh sure, we've had a few high points. Take 'Brand New Day' for example. Finally someone at Marv-Capital-L had the wherewithal and the cojones to remove the continuity tumor that was the Spider-Marriage. Look, a swingin' 25 year old bachelor like Peter Parker has no business getting hitched. It's boring, it's lame, and it's completely unrealistic. Hell, I'm 36 and I've never even had a real life girlfriend. So cheers to Mr. Quesada for cutting through all the bullshit and bringing back the webshooter. Terdberger salutes you.

Everything else though? Shit. Just shit, shit, shit, and more shit. And it's gonna get worse before it gets any better, believe you me.

Let's start with DC Comics. With 'Final Crisis' just around the corner, there's no denying that DC Editor-in-Chief Dan Didio has a solid, thought out game plan for the future of the DCU. And that plan is utter, dismal failure. I mean Christ, don't even get me started on Countdown. What a clusterfuck! And trust me, I know, I've been buying it every week. This book is so bad, I almost didn't notice Geoff Johns turning Green Lantern into the fucking Mighty Morphin Power Rangers:

In fact the only DC comic coming out right now that's worth half a damn is Nightwing. Now there's a book that needs to be published weekly. Getting it 12 times a year just ain't enough Dick for yours truly.

Meanwhile, over at the House of Ideas - or should I say, The House of BAD Ideas, everything's coming up Skrully. It's retcon season, again, and this time Marvel's cleaning house with a little help from everybody's favorite shapeshifting alien race - The Skrulls. That's right, the same Skrulls who couldn't invade their way out of a wet paper sack have evidently taken over Earth. Yes, the same Earth that Galactus himself couldn't conquer. Yeah, I'll buy that for a dollar. Think Civil War meets Battlestar Galactica (the new one, not the good one), meets whatever drug Brian Michael Bendis was on when he pitched this pitiful excuse for a crossover event. Whatever happened to good crossovers like Heroes Reborn? Oh well, at least this time I've got a contingency plan to reap profit from this dark and dreadful hour:

Pretty smart, huh?

And while I'm on a roll here, I just gotta ask one more thing, folks. Variant Edition Sketch Covers: What the fuck, people?! You mean to tell me for a mere 75 dollars more I can get the exact same book with a shitty, unfinished cover slapped on it? Golly fucking Gee whiz! Please. This is like McDonalds selling Big Macs for 2 bucks, then turning around and selling handfuls of raw meat for 100 bucks. Hey guys, guess what? If I wanted to look at a bunch of black and white chicken scratch, I'd read indie comics. Who's buying this shit, anyway?

Well, that's my time folks. Stargate SG-1 starts in 10 minutes and let's face it: Some things are just more important than comics. So until next time, this is Roy Terdberger, Comics Blogger to the Stars saying: See you in the funny pages!


KneelB4Me said...

Fuckin A, Roy. Fuckin A.

Nine said...

One More Day ruined Spiderman for me.I just haven't bothered reading BND.You're speaking of continuity problems,I want to see how they'll explain Spidey in New Avengers.That should be good.

You need to check out Checkmate.And Blue Beetle.Also Incredible Hercules and The OrderThey're ongoing,and they're GOOD.

PS Why couldn't Parker just get a divorce if Marvel wanted him single?