The Javits Center Screw Job Redux: The New York Comic Con

It's that time of year again. Grown men are getting into fist fights over the most coveted gifts of the season, credit card companies are laughing all the way to the bank, I've developed a borderline unhealthy fondness for the Scotch in the liquor cabinet....and the organizers of the NYCC are filling my inbox with advertising wrapped up in shiny little bundles of hype.

The great question of Life, the Universe and Everything, is this:

After last year's debacle should I bother going? Or will I be left standing outside again, because incompetent event management still hasn't mastered basic math and will be leaving the local fire inspector to pull an Earl Hebner?



I'd like to say I'm hopeful, but considering that I lost a good 6 hours of my life (2.5 of which was spent staring at the costumed patron ahead of me in line's spandex clad back fat, try to gouge that visual out of your cerebral cortex) , the cost of those 2 useless preregistrations and $200 in travel expenses, that solitary free ticket and a small box of promo materials I was sent just seems like the fanboy/girl equivalent of Vince Mcmahon's infamous "Bret screwed Bret" speech.


I'm leaving the decision to you, fellow PTP-ers and random net surfers:

Should I stay or should I go?

Trying to weigh the options without some outside perspective has made me need some more of that Scotch.

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Flash Thompson: Nerd Revenge Fantasy

Some guys just can't win. In 1962, Peter Parker was one of those guys. Bullies bullied him and girls ignored him – with the exception of his elderly Aunt, and that really doesn't count. Puny, broke and lonely, young Peter was the kind of guy you could relate to. I assume this was either because the men writing him could relate to him too, or they just knew their audience really, really well.

"The 'T' stands for 'Talk to the HAND, Parker!' Haw Haw!"

Then, in an ironic twist of fate, young Peter is granted superpowers; He goes from zero to hero, starts hanging out with the FF and The Avengers, and marries a super model. Oh, and that bully who used to torment him in high school becomes his #1 fan. And people say superhero comics are just adolescent male power fantasies!

That bully had a name, and a pretty badass one at that: Flash Thompson. He is the subject of this blog.

The thing about Flash Thompson is, back in High School, he was kind of an asshole. Now, nevermind the fact that back in high school everyone was an asshole (this is to prepare you for the real world, where everyone is an asshole). No, Flash was more like THE asshole. Girls, cars, popularity, football, etc. – everything that guys like Peter Parker spend their tormented youths hating and envying. And poor Flash Thompson has been paying for it ever since.

What follows Flash Thompson's Big Man on Campus years is a comeuppance of ridiculously epic proportions. He goes to war and is haunted by mystic assassins. He suffers serious bouts of depression and becomes an alcoholic. In love, he can only manage to pick up Peter's sloppy seconds. He gets in a drunk-driving accident – two of them, in fact – and ends up brain damaged to the point where he forgets what few redeeming qualities he'd managed to muster up over the years. Oh, and as it turns out, his father was an abusive alcoholic, so high school probably wasn't all that great for Flash Thompson after all. At least Peter had a decent home life. As if all this wasn't enough, it turns out all this time his first name is actually Eugene. I mean, seriously.



Daaaaaaaamn, homie! In high school you was the maaaaaaaan, homie!
...What the fuck happened to you?

You know what, I get it. I really do. These are superhero stories, and the golden rule of superhero stories is good guys win, bad guys lose. Somewhere very early on in life Flash Thompson must have fallen into the 'bad guy' category, and has been awarded his just deserts time and time again, despite many desperate grasps for redemption. But there's a line between justice and torment; it's actually quite a broad one, I think. And I can't help but wonder if the Peter Parker types reading and writing Spider-Man comics throughout the years don't derive just a little bit of pleasure out of making a whipping boy out of Flash Thompson. It's kind of sick, when you think about it.

You know, there was a brief period in the early 90s or so where Flash and Peter were actually pretty good friends. I always liked that development. Beyond just being a cool twist on the status quo, I think it showed a real willingness for growth. Not only in the characters of Peter Parker and Flash Thompson, but in superhero comics in general. Finally, we were ready to let go of all of the adolescent anguish we'd been harboring in our hearts and move on. You know, forgiving those that trespassed against us and what not. It didn't last. The nerds were still angry, and somebody had to pay. So once again Flash Thompson was reverted to his adolescent state, dragging us all down with him. He is currently a recovering alcoholic/functioning retard teaching a gym class at his old high school.

Some guys just can't win.

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Comic of the Week: Annihilation #4

What are you holding behind your back?
Noooooothing.

I was already to give Grant Morrison's Batman my vote for comic of the week but then I read this bad boy.

This is how you create tension in a comic book.

The first three issues have been hit or miss for me. You definitely get a sense of all the destruction going on and, unlike Seven Soliders, you can see how the mini-series tied into the main series (Seriously, how did Morrison think he could tie 7 miniseries into one 40 page comic book?).

But Giffen gave me the one thing I wanted more than anything this series.

Thanos.

It's no secret that he is my favorite Marvel villain of all-time., especially post-Infinity Gauntlet. When he's written correctly, like he is here, he comes across as a cool character who has done it all and now is just bored. He knows (or at least believes) he's the smartest person in the galaxy and that his only Achilles heel is his love for Death. Everyone is beneath him.

This issue we find out what Thanos' motivation for following Annihilus down this path of destruction while simultaneously Drax makes his way through countless armies to achieve his one goal: Kill Thanos.

Remember when Drax The Destroyer was a complete buffoon?

That moment has passed.

He is a unstoppable killing machine. To watch him make his way through the Annihilus Wave is nothing short of amazing.

This was a well-written and well-drawn affair and now it will be interesting to see how the rest of the mini-series works out.

Besides, tell me that is not one of the best covers of 2006.

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Spider-Man 3 trailer

It's on!

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City of Heroes

Warning: This post contains spoilers for the first four episodes of Heroes

The writing is kinda bad (which anyone who has read a Jeph Loeb comic since Batman "Hush" knows that's not a surprise).

Some of the actors are annoying (Milo Ventimiglia and Ali Larter).

The theme of the season is kinda lame ("Save the Cheerleader. Save The World." Seriously? That must have been some writers' brainstorm).

The characters act questionably (Hiro jumps into the past to an exact time and place Peter is on the subway, but doesn't know the cheerleader's name or address? Mohinder gets called crazy by Nathan and all of the sudden, he's ready to pack his bags and quit?).

So why do I (Well, "we" considering the ratings) love NBC's Heroes so much?

I remember when I downloaded and watched the pilot episode with a friend and we both agreed that it was okay but I could easily see myself being disinterested after a while.

Then I saw the second episode and I was all-but-ready to tune out and watch Monday Night Football and then we realize that Hiro teleported weeks into to the future and the day of the explosion that Issac foretold in his painting from the first episode.

Holy shit.

Then the third episode was equally suspect but then the train froze and there was Hiro with a ponytail, a sword and speaking perfect English to Peter "My hair won't stay out of my eyes" Petrelli.

Holy SHIT!

Clearly, the writers went to the Whedon School of Cliffhangers.

And now here I am hooked on yet another TV show.

The fourth episode didn't live up to the cliffhanger of the previous episode but seeing Nathan take off like a rocket and make a sonic boom in the sky made up for it.

Even though executive producer and creator Tim Kring says he has no background in comics, he has made the ultimate fanboy show.

It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (People who are comparing this favorably to the first season of Lost need to slow their roll and compare to the first season of The 4400*) but I'll be damned that every time someone uses their power, I don't smile like a little kid.

*Hopefully this won't turn into The 4400 where we're three seasons in and still don't know what the purpose of bringing them back.

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Civil War: The Bigger Picture

If you have not read Civil War #4 yet, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I have been waiting just as patiently as everyone else for this, especially after the way #3 ended. How cool was it to see Iron Man beating the hell out of Captain America? And the scene in the restaurant with the secret identities was cool too. When I first read #4 however, I was unhappy with what I was seeing.

I mean, that's not really Thor? The big death was Goliath? I felt let down by Marvel after waiting for a month.

But when I re-read it, I realized a few things. First off, this was no where near what I had been expecting after the end of last issue and with subsequent issues of FF and Spider-Man that took place after CW#3. Sure, it set up things like Spidey swapping sides and the FF splitting, and even had me thinking that Falcon was the one who bit the dust. But everything gets better with age. I like that it is not Thor. It gives Tony's faction something of a villainous side. Since when do heroes clone other heroes to fight other heroes? The last page also adds to this (btw, I know I saw Songbird, Taskmaster, Bullseye, Lady Deathstrike, Jack O'Lantern, and the new Venom, but who was the other dude in the back?). It would of course make sense if Marvel had the Pro-Reg heroes being controlled by a powerful villain, but that is the easy way out (and something that I may not forget for a while, so Marvel, if you are reading this, you better not dissapoint). This issue really showed us as the audience as well as the characters in the book what was at stake: This really is WAR, and Marvel is making a stand. The new Thor saw it that way, as did Cap, who was a bloody, pissed off mess the whole book. It costed Goliath his life because of his point of view. I think this issue really hit home when Sue Storm and Torch split the FF though. It was something that could have been predicted, just as the unmasking of Spidey was, at least for me. And the single coolest part of this issue? When Falcon picked up Cap and started flying away, he says 'Fall back and regroup! We've got to get out of here or we're all going down!' And what does the faux Thor say? 'You ARE all going down'. I had to crack a smile with that one.

Marvel seems to know what they are doing with this, as the post CW world is shaping up to be something completely different, but also something completely new and exciting. So far, they have revealed Spider-Man's identity (which we know will somehow be revoked, probably because they are setting him up as the 'traitor' to Iron Man, but damn it was a jawdropper anyway), killed an entire team in the first issue, and seemingly tore apart the Fantastic Four as we know it (another moment that will eventually be revoked, but I have been waiting for something different in FF for a long time, I just hope they can do something astounding like they did with the Avengers). I am really into this event. Usually, most endings and big shockers are easy to guess in this day and age because it seems that everything has been done before, but Marvel has managed to snag me, and I am on board. You all may say DC rules the world, but I am still screaming 'Make Mine Marvel'!

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Nothing Else To Say But This

Upload videos at Bolt.

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Clark, Bruce, Diana, and Rory: Thoughts on JLA #0

As much as I enjoy making fun of Identity Crisis and its big noses, I’m a relative apologist for Brad Meltzer and Rag Morales’ earnest portrayal of DC’s heroes as a Ya-Ya Sisterhood. In Identity Crisis – even though the point of the story was to drive home the importance of secret identities – all our usually stuffy heroes run around calling each other by their real first names. Clark, Bruce, Ollie, Diana. Everyone is everyone else’s BFF. Sure, this happens in other titles as well, but the amount of namedropping that Meltzer peppered his script with was enough to make even Jayceon Terell Taylor shake his head in embarrassment.

It was a little grating sometimes, but it worked perfectly for the story. Driving home the fact that these caped and cowled titans were actual people - with names, feelings, families, insecurities and life-histories with each other - made the tragedy of death within their ranks all the more tragic. Meltzer’s interior writing style was so successful it was later used by other writers in the fantastic Countdown to Infinite Crisis #0, which as a result was chock full of insightful intimate reflections such as when we learned that everyone is in love with Diana, and also when we learned that everyone thinks Koriand'r is really fucking hot. Man, these heroes felt so damn real. *I* think Kory is really fucking hot too!

Meltzer is back now, penning the new Justice League re-launch. Post-Crisis, Meltzer’s League feels a lot like Gilmore Girls. Yeah. Justice League. It’s Gilmore Girls with less dialogue, really. It has that small-town everybody-knows-everybody sensibility, and people talk over each other and complete each other’s thoughts and sentences. Clark and Diana are Gilmore and Gilmore Girl, and Bruce is that cranky dude who runs the diner. Why Alan Heinberg isn’t on this title, I have no idea.

As I said, I dug this approach in Identity Crisis. In the new JLA book, however, I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it for very long. Now, I’m not really up to date on the inner-workings of the JLA…but a yearly meeting between Clark, Bruce and Diana? Does this exist? Because don’t they see each other all the fucking time? I guess it’s just pencilled in as guaranteed bonding time, where they can playfully swing sticks at each other and swap novels. For real, I’m all for portraying the softer side of the Big 3 and their relationships, and I guess it’s only normal for them to have inside jokes and stuff like that…but in scenes like the one where they make fun of Guy Gardner, I just don’t feel it. It feels forced, and it reaches the point where the camaraderie between the heroes doesn’t just feel awkward, it feels downright phony. Which I’m guessing is the opposite of what Meltzer is trying to accomplish here.

And don’t get me started on this, after Clark realizes Bruce and Diana stood him up:



I’m willing to write this book off as a weightless issue #0, not a part of the series and therefore not indicative of where the book is headed quality wise. But in the preview pages of issue #1(***), the cheese continues. I couldn’t tell if the Big 3 were choosing a new JLA or America’s Next Top Model.

Not to mention all the (hopefully) unintentionally funny close-ups of Diana’s breasts. Oh, and issue #0 had the funniest out-of-context comic quote I’ve come across in awhile: “he’ll be great. really great. like dick.”

I think the problem is that while even though Infinite Crisis made way for less brooding, less angry, depressed, dysfunctional heroes, we’re nonetheless left with an approach that still takes itself extremely seriously. And frankly, the earnest bastardry reads a lot better than the earnest we-are-one-big-happy-family stuff. At least when it’s written by Brad Meltzer, it does. Maybe Meltzer - who was so good at raping, murdering, and emotionally torturing DC’s characters - shouldn’t be the same guy to remake them into shiny happy people?

(***)
Preview Page 1
Preview Page 2
Preview Page 3

peace.

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Slanted Perspectives

Hello, True Believers. Come join me in a tour of recent Asian representations in the Big Two, yes?

DC

Week 6 of the highly enjoyable 52 series brought on "China Syndrome", an introduction to Grant Morrison's new team of Chinese superheroes, The Great Ten. My initial reaction wasn't very enthusiastic, though hopefully that will be assuaged as the team is fleshed out more (I believe they're playing a sizable role over in Greg Rucka's Checkmate?)

For now though, I'm giving the screwface to a dude whose superpower is...well, being a Tibetan buddhist...a Tibetan buddhist who incongruously works for "the preservation of China", and also to a woman whose power is to...well, give birth to a lot of babies and send them off to fight for the country (and I'm assuming die for it as well, since she still has an active function on the team). "Mother of Champions" is a kickass name though, I'll give them that.

Morrison's shown a strong interest in Eastern philosophy and mysticism and all that jazz, and I'm a big fan of Vimanarama, but I'm reticent to let him off the hook on hokey racial/cultural representations just because, well, he's Grant Morrison. The Great Ten might end up falling on the wrong side of hokey for me, but as I said, I'll give DC some time to hopefully flesh out the characters and develop them further from the cheesy communist-border-patrol-against-American-heroes they've been portrayed as so far.

Also from the brain of Grant Morrison comes the All New Atom, a book I've been anticipating for a long time. There's been quite a few Asian female characters in the mainstream comicverse, but, as in other forms of media, the Asian male is usually relegated to stereotypical side roles at best. The All New Atom, along with Firestorm and Batwoman, is one of DC's attempts to diversify their universe by taking less-popular characters and turning them into minorities.

Judging a book by its cover could prove disastrous in this case, as I'd say the cover for The All New Atom #1 is a failure on several fronts. Firstly, the Atom doesn't look Chinese to me, but that's highly subjective and nitpicky on my part, so I'll let that slide. Secondly, on the cover the new Atom looks damn near forty-years old, with a receding hairline, body rippling with muscles. No such character appears anywhere in the book. It's as if the cover artist had no more info other than "draw an Asian dude. Shrinking. Yeah. No. More Asian-ish. Yeah."



The tagline reads "Size Isn't Matter!" I'm not well-versed in all-things-Atom, so if this phrase existed before this issue as some sort of catch phrase please let me know. As it stands, the phrase sticks out to me for two offensive reasons: 1) The play on the phrase "size doesn't matter", usually used in reference to men with small dicks, a nod towards a stereotype that has played a big role in the effeminization of the Asian male in pop culture; and 2) The play on words - "size" and "matter" being terms of physics - is unsuccessful, which leaves me wondering what the punchline is supposed to be about. I'm left feeling that it's not a pun or a joke, but merely a purposeful mangling of language in the vein of bad Asian "engrish". I don't see how else that phrase could be thought of as clever.

So what you end up with is an Asian dude using poor English to defend his small size. That sucks. Plus, Atom is only flexing his right arm. It just looks weird, like he's trying to take a shit but his left arm fell asleep so he can't flex it (I hate when that happens!) and he can't undo his belt because it's too high up on his chest.

The interior of the book is much better fare. John Byrne's rendition of Ryan Choi is much younger and less earnest. While I'm not a huge fan of John Byrne's recent work, it's not bad per se. As for the story, I won't get too much into plot recaps, but Simone does well; it's quirky and fast and establishes character quickly. Random quotes pop out of nowhere in relation to what Ryan is thinking, showcasing his geekiness and wealth of knowledge. I dig it.

It's the first issue so there's the requisite "first-shrink" scene. We've seen it a million times before but it's not bad. The important thing is that it's out of the way, plus it's only the first issue and Ryan has already told everyone he found Palmer's belt. It's onwards and upwards from here. I'm not quite digging the Foggy Nelson-fat-jokey-sidekick thing, but I can live with it, especially knowing that Simone is good with the quips.

There's an obvious effort to address the Asian-guys-aren't-sexual thing, with a bunch of female students following Ryan around and making ga-ga eyes at him. The problem is that so far Ryan seems pretty oblivious to the opposite sex. Even if the girls think he is hot shit, if Ryan shows no particular interest then we still have a desexualization problem. It's only the first issue though. I'll give him a couple issues of prep time, but eventually he better start getting some and not in any tee-hee passive way either.



In other Gail Simone Asian goodness, Birds of Prey #95 saw Black Canary ending her little sabbatical in SE Asia. I love this book to death, but I'm glad that story is (more or less) done with. With Batman Begins, I got my final fill of white people going to Asia to train in mysterious fighting arts, only to then reject their inscrutable Asian masters and their unscrupulous Asian ways (kicking a bunch of Asian asses in the process). By the book's end, Black Canary pulls an Angelina Jolie on an Asian kid. Could be interesting, but child characters have the potential to get real cloying real fast. Simone does a great job of writing believable adult females, let's see how she does with little girls.

Marvel

In one of the more bizarre Asian spottings in comics, Civil War Frontline #1 had a short sidestory of Spiderman reflecting on the Japanese internment camps. I have to say, I stood this story a lot more before Spiderman unmasked.

Pre-unmasking, Peter's reflection at the end, "...with great power, huh?", seemed to me a condemnation of the US government's abuse of their power. In the same panel, a Japanese father tells his daughter that they must acquiesce to the interment camps in order to help the American war effort, "because it is our duty, because we are Americans." An image of the Statue of Liberty separates the image of the family from Spiderman, and Peter's reflection seemed at the time a sad response to the Japanese man's assertion, a reflection on when power and responsibility can go wrong.

Post-unmasking though, we know that Peter is on the side of the government, so the reflection reads differently. Instead, I see him as empathsizing with the Japanese family, doing something against his personal wishes because it is what's best for the country. It's his responsibility to give up personal freedom for his government.

That's a load of bullshit to me. Politics aside (Iron Man's team still has valid arguments on their side), to use the internment of Japanese-Americans during WWII as a parallel to Spiderman and Iron Man taking off their masks is ridiculous and trivializes what the internment camps meant.



Paul Jenkin's preamble reads:

"In the interests of fairness, it can be noted that while they provided very sparse accommodation, these relocation centres had the highest live-birth rate and the lowest deathrate in wartime United States. The Japanese in the centres received free food, lodging, medical and dental care, clothing allowance, education, hospital care, and all basic necessities. The government even paid travel expenses and assisted in cases of emergency relief".

*Italics mine

OK. If that ain't a steaming pile of white-washing bullshit I don't know what is. In the interest of fairness? Even paid for travel expenses? As if you pay the bus fare when you get shipped off to jail. And oh wow, free food. Lowest death rate? Shit, I'm starting to wish I was Japanese in 1943. Those motherfuckers had it easy.

Anyways. The preamble is followed by nice poetry captions that illustrate some of the negative aspects of the Japanese "relocations". But the whole thing is bookended by that horribly apologetic introduction and by Spiderman saluting the patriotic responsibility of the Japanese Americans. The story is unnecessary and leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

In more pleasant news, let's talk about my favourite Runaway, Nico. Runaway fans have been waiting and speculating over issue 18, when it is promised that yet another Runaway will be murked. Well, at the end of issue 17 Nico gets shot through the chest. I still don't think it's her that dies though, seeing as it's not yet issue 18, and I really don't think they'd off another minority character after the death of Alex.

I'm guessing someone sacrifices themselves to save her or some other magical business. Or who knows. She just might bleed slowly to death for the duration of the next issue.



I hope not though. Nico's grown to be not only my favourite Runaway, but one of my favourite recent characters overall. I love the way she's drawn and the complexity of her character. Lately she's been going around making out with a bunch of different people, male and female, and to writer Vaughn's credit, Nico doesn't come off as a floozy but as a girl who's going through shit. But the best part (and this goes for all the Runaways), is that even for a girl who's going through shit she doesn't read as a self-absorbed depressed emo kid. Which is more than I can say for half of the X-Men these days.

Nico's power is also one of my favourites. In order to summon her magical Staff of One, she has to cut herself and draw blood. I love the idea of a teen goth hero who has to cut herself in order to access her power. I got a little choked up during the story arc where Nico couldn't do it and yelled "I don't want to cut myself anymore!" Also, the staff shows up at inconvenient times, like during her time of the month, or when she brushes her teeth too hard. That's dope.

Let's hope that Nico makes it though the next issue, and that we see more characters like her in the near future.

peace.

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Superman Returns...To Star In A Chick Flick

I wish I knew how ta quit you

What if Jesus was a superhero? What if the devil was...um, bald? What if you combined Superman with The Notebook?

Ok, there was a lot of things to love. The special effects were great. The reverence for Richard Donner's Superman and Superman II was appreciated. But there was just something...missing.

After I got over the feeling of a watching a new Superman movie in 2006 that didn't involve Richard Pryor (R.I.P.) or Nuclear Man, I felt very detached from the movie.

I enjoyed all the scenes of Superman being...well Superman. Saving people, cheering crowds. The plane crash scene was amazing and I can't wait to see that in IMAX 3D but then it lost it's way and became a chick flick.

• Brandon Routh was great...as Clark Kent. His Superman was okay. He wasn't bad but he lacked the earnest humor than Christopher Reeve brought to the role. Don't feel bad, Brandon. Reeve is an impossible act to follow - we're talking the best comic character brought to life ever. When there are enough comic book movies around that there are comic book movie awards and there is a lifetime achievement award, it will be called The Christopher Reeve Award of Excellence (or something like that). You know who would have made a great Superman...
• So there's the scene where Clark is back at the Daily Planet and Lois introduces him to her boyfriend, Richard, who was played by James Marsden (For the guys, Cyclops from the X-Men films; for the women, the guy Rachel McAdams wrongfully cheats on in The Notebook). As the camera turns to him, I was like "Wow, he should have been Superman." The right build, he's tall, he looks like Christopher Reeve so it wouldn't have been a weird transition, and he's pretty good at playing morally uptight square guys. Major blunder to cast a guy who would be better suited to play Superman, Mr. Singer.
• This is probably the best acting job I've ever seen Kate Bosworth do...but she still wasn't right as Lois Lane. I mean, she got the reporter thing down but she lacked Lois' spunk. If this is a direct sequel to the Richard Donner films, Lois was a "I don't take shit from anyone" woman and Margot Kidder played it perfectly. This is the same woman who hit the gun when her and Clark were being mugged, snuck into the Eiffel Tower to spy on terrorists by hanging on the bottom of a elevator and jumped into a river because she was so convinced that Clark was Superman. I didn't feel like Kate Bosworth's Lois would have done any of that.
• Welcome back, Kevin Spacey. How I've missed you. These are the kind of roles that we fell in love with Kevin Spacey for. Not that The Shipping News/Pay It Forward crap. I want Spacey the mean funny sardonic asshole that blew my mind in Swimming With Sharks. I hope this is a good sign for the future and not a blip in the current spiraling of your career.
• Frank Langella sucked as Perry White. He had some great lines but lacked the energy and fire an editor of the number one paper in Metropolis should have.
  
• Why cast Kal Penn (Kumar from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle) and give him one line and just have him be a nameless henchman? What a waste. Maybe he's friends with Bryan Singer.
  
• The movie was way too long. I'm almost getting tired of saying this about movies. It was King Kong too long. It dragged like a busted muffler. Why is Hollywood afraid to make a 90-105 minute movie? Seriously. Is there some sort of research I missed that said America likes it's movies dragged out and as long as possible?
  
• I don't like this Superman as Jesus shit that seemed to be implied in the movie. The term 'savior' got thrown around too much. Superman is not Jesus. Superman, at least in my opinion, is a alien who was raised as a human with a good moral code who is just doing "the right thing" because he has the ability to. He's not here to "save us", just here to help.
• I don't think they can (or should) do a sequel. It's hard doing Superman stories (which is why the comic has sucked for quite some time). There's three types of successful Superman stories (all of which have been used in the movies): 1) Superman faces off against someone equal in strength to him (II, III, IV), 2) Superman faces off against Lex Luthor or a villain with Kryptonite (I, III, Returns) or 3) Superman is put to the limits of his power by trying to be in two places at once (I, Returns).
• I find it hard to believe that Superman would just up and leave for five years. Sorry, someone with THAT strong a moral code would not do that. Of course, he also wouldn't make a move (however slight) on a woman with a boyfriend so what do I know?
• Before I talk about the spoiler stuff, the whole Clark Kent works with a bunch of reporters and is in love with the best reporter in the city and no one can put together that Clark Kent and Superman returned on the exact same day (only Lois's kid kinda caught on). It would have been one thing if Clark came back and a couple of days later, Superman showed up or vice versa. But THE SAME DAY! C'mon.
  

Okay on to more spoiler-ish stuff.

• Ok, at the end of the movie, Superman lifts the humogous crystal city that Lex Luthor created and threw it into space. Not into the sun but into space. Um, I'm not scientist but won't that huge landmass become a meteorite that will destroy one of our neighboring planets. Way to think it through, Kal-El.
• Also, won't those remaining crystals be a problem?
  
• By giving a Superman a kid, Bryan Singer has taken the mythology of Superman and Da Vinci Code-d it.
• I'm not mad about the whole kid thing. It was a cool twist. I wish DC had the balls to do something like this in the comics. The Superman story is legendary. You have to create some twists and turns to keep it fresh. But still, Superman has x-ray vision & super hearing, he didn't know she was pregnant before he left.
• How do you end a Superman movie without him bringing Lex Luthor to justice? That was just lame.

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Dear Marvel Zombies

I despise you. No, this isn't a rant about D.C. vs. Marvel. No, this isn't about how you give Joey Q more time than you give your mother on the phone. No, this isn't a rant about how you'd pay to toss Bendis's salad. Shit, I WOULD TOSS BENDIS'S SALAD, TOO. I prefer syrup.

No, this is a rant about the shit you're giving Marvel over the Spidey unmasking. Among all of the internet crying I hear about how Spidey outing himself to the world ("OH MY GOD! Spider-man's GAY?" was my fiancee's reaction when I told her) the number one argument I hear against Spider-man putting it on himself to do the one thing he fears anyone doing to him is this:

"IT'S COMPLETELY AGAINST CHARACTER!" (c) Comic Fan Jackass

Now, anyone that as been reading Spidey in the last five years should know that this decision has been a long time coming. And let's be honest with ourselves, people. Green Goblin knows Spider-man is Peter Parker. All of Green Goblin's kids, bastard and otherwise, know that Spider-man is Peter Parker. The Scorpion (who now has the Venom symbiote) knows Spider-man is Peter Parker. One of Jerry's Kids that sits in his wheelchair on a rooftop all day until his family wheels him back inside for dinner knows who Spider-man is. Aunt May knows. Mary Jane knows. All of The Avengers know.

Mary Jane has been hinting for years that she would prefer Peter to go public. This is proof that comic fans have no long-lasting interaction with women. If we did, then we would ALL know that a broad that hot could get Dr. Strange to take up pulling Batman's giant penny from behind kid's ears at birthday parties. A broad that hot could get a Watcher to come down on the field, throw a flag, and demand an instant replay. Hell, A broad that hot could make Electro heterosexual again.

But lemme get back to the point. It's against character? I didn't hear any of you fuckers that tought Cap was acting against character by going underground complaining then. You thought it kicked ass. By the way, Cap wasn't even acting against character. Know how I know? Because Cap always kicks ass.

You guys need to draw the difference between a favorite character of yours making a decision you don't like and someone "acting against character". If you haven't noticed, Spidey has been slowly changing for a few years now. But that's a whole 'nother blog. (Editor's Note: Stay tuned for Invisiblist's blog on JMS's Spidey run coming soon!) He's a teacher. He's an active Avenger. He has fuckin spikes coming out of his arms, a robotic costume, and he's Tony Stark's fuckin doughboy. And that's just fine by me. Know why? My favorite part of how Marvel Comics has done things since I've been reading is their character development.

Ah, yes. Character development. You might define character development as "the catalyst to fanboy's anger; usually involving a character doing something that no fanboy predicted on any message board anywhere". I like to define it as "OH SHIT!" Whether I like how a character develops or not, I like to see characters I love grow. I have no desire to see any comicbook character that I mess with stay stagnant in their views or attitudes for too long. You know what my favorite parts of "The Other" were? First, when Spidey killed that robot guy in Stark Tower. (What was his name? Tracer?) Sure, the guy turned out to be a robot, but Peter didn't know that. It showed the state of mind that Peter was really in. The other was when he ATE MORLUN'S FACE. Why were they my favorite parts? Because they showed how serious the situation was.

If comic characters never "went against character" as you guys call it, they wouldn't be worth reading. Cap woulda never had one of his most important arcs ever. You know, the Nixon one. Daredevil woulda never became Kingpin. (Y'all didn't complain about that one, either.) Serious situations that showed the true nature of the characters.

I don't know what you people want. I don't envy Bendis, Millar, JMS, Quesada, Whedon or any of the other guys at Marvel that worked on Civil War. From the reactions I'm reading to Civil War #2, you guys want to be able to figure out what's gonna happen with your favorite character before all your internet buddies do. Is that what you drop three bucks every month for? To see if you're right? BOOOOOOO. I drop my three bucks every month to see what happens, to be amazed, to be surprised, to jerk off to how McNiven draws She-Hulk (and how Frank Cho draws Mary Jane and Black Cat, and how Jim Lee draws Psylocke, and how Quesada draws Black Widow.....but that's a whole 'nother blog*), and most IMPORTANTLY, to check in with my friends Peter, Steve, Tony, and Nick to see how they're doing. If they don't make a decision I like, it was their decision to make.

But hey, if you guys want predictable, you should just go read D.C. Or House of M.

(*Editor's Note: The Prep Time Posse will not be allowing a future blog on Invisiblist's masturbatory habits. It hits just a little too close to home for most of us.)

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Pocket Change

"The only constant is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today. No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be."

- Isaac Asimov, "My Own View" in The Encyclopedia of Science Fiction

Congratulations, Joe Queseda*.

You have finally torn the internet in two.



If you go to any comic book forum, you'll see people doing the internet equivalent of rioting.

I am going to try to talk about "it" without talking about "it".

Greg Hatcher over at Comics Should Be Good wrote a great piece regarding Spider-Man and the two types of fans:

Here'’s the thing. There'’s two groups of fans reading superhero comics right now, the illusion-of-change fans and the real-change fans, and each one is absolutely convinced that the other group is going to destroy their beloved superheroes. And it terrifies them, because they both love comics fiercely, and neither can stand the idea that they might get taken away. So each group is constantly yelling at the other to for Christ'’s sake STOP it, d'you have any idea what you're doing? I suspect that this underlies a lot of that free-floating fan anger out there. This is why so many comic book message boards have the social niceties of Mad Max'’s Thunderdome.

The illusion-of-change people are looking at it this way: I discovered DC and Marvel at ___ age and it changed my life, these characters are great, timeless icons, new readers need to be able to discover them the way I did, why are they so hell-bent on ruining them when they do stuff like make Spider-Man an armored Avenger or marry off Superman to Lois Lane or… (fill in your own premise-altering Real Change here)… comics are already practically incomprehensible to new readers, the base is going to keep shrinking, pretty soon there’s only going to be about six people reading DC and Marvel, they’re KILLING COMICS!

The real-change people, on the other hand, probably came into comics sometime in the late 80’s or so. Post-Crisis, let’s say. Real change is what they’re used to. It’s what they have come to expect. Their tastes were formed by Chris Claremont on the X-Men, or Peter David on the Hulk, or Alan Moore on whoever. These were guys that specialized in real changes that often completely changed the premise of whatever strip they were working on. So the real-change people think: Damn, why is it that superhero publishers are so cowardly! Quit with the retcons already! Dead is dead! Show some guts! Comics are finally starting to Grow Up! They’re not for kids any more! We don’t need to worry about some mythical eight-year-old coming into the comics store, you idiots, there’s no one under twenty in any comics store I’ve ever been in! You let these old-school geezers hit the reset button all the time like they want to and they’ll be KILLING COMICS!

Now, lately I have found myself in the "real-change" ilk. I like when the status quo is thrown out the window and we get to go in a completely new direction.

Think how huge it was when Gwen Stacy died (shortly after dropping off her twins she had after a booty call with Norman Osborn to Canada) or Jean Grey died (the first time) or when Superman died (you think we would have figured out he was coming back when they didn't cancel any of his titles) or when Jason Todd was killed by The Joker (Stop punching the fabric of reality, Superboy Prime!).

No, she's okay. Tis' but a scratch

These are things that changed our favorite characters forever.

I like change.

It seems to be comic book canon that nothing can happen to change the status quo of Spider-Man, Batman or Superman. They are the untouchables.

Or things can happen, but they can always been undone.

Only Spider-Man seems to have lasting changes but that's what we (or at least, I) love about Spider-Man as a character.

Granted, you want them to remain the same so future generations will know what you loved about them.

Well, that's what the trades are for.

I just don't want to spend however long I read comics to be spent seeing the same stories over and over again.

Superman defeats Lex Luthor, he goes to prison, gets out, rinse, wash, repeat.

Batman and Robin defeat The Joker/Penguin/Two-Face, send them to Arkham, they escape, rinse, wash, repeat.

For the last time!!!
(Until the next time)

Spider-Man faces the Green Goblin/Dr. Octopus/The Vulture, loses the first time, contemplates on a rooftop, defeats them (they never really go to prison in Spidey books), rinse, wash, repeat.

Look! It's Spider-Man unmasked!
Why isn't anyone looking up!?!
Oh, World Cup is on. Did Brazil win?

I think the big reveal of Civil War #2 could have been done better (If you didn't read Amazing Spider-Man #533, it really makes this whole thing go down easier....like Pepto Bismol), but I'm glad it happened.

Because now I don't know what the future holds and I like it that way**.

Now, if Lois would just get pregnant already. What an unsatisfying marriage this must be for her. At least, Spidey's boys can swim.

* For all the trouble Marvel went to protecting this secret you think you would have kept a copy of this comic out of the hands of the newspapers. Or at least issued a press embargo like they do with TV shows like Lost and 24 where secrets and surprises are everything.

** Unless, of course, the second Queseda's tenure as EIC ends (or by the end of Civil War knowing Queseda), they find a way to undo this...like Marvel and DC always seem to do. I think the funniest thing and the biggest sign of how the fans see Marvel and DC these days is not that people are up in arms but that they are already thinking how they will "undo" this.

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X-Men: The Last Stand (a second opinion)

Sigh...

I'll be honest, after I left the theater, I wanted to give the movie but after telling my friend about the movie I had to admit that there were some cool parts.

I don't know what to say about this movie. This wasn't Brett Ratner's fault. He did a competent job. There were some scenes that were better than anything in the first two X-Men movies. The Phoenix scenes were handled particularly well.

Whoever decided that this movie should only be 107 minutes not only ruined this movie but ruined this franchise.

It was clear that the writers of the movie had been given a list of things to address:

• Jean/Phoenix
• The cure storyline
• Give Storm a bigger role
• Solve the Cyclops-doesn't-really-do-anything problem
• Iceman vs. Pyro
• Introduce a bunch of new mutants (Angel, Beast, Callisto, Madrox)
• Give Colossus something to do
  
• Iceman/Rogue/Kitty Pryde love triangle
• Jean/Cyclops/Logan love triangle

And they were told to do all this in 107 minutes or less because even with the short running time, there managed to be filler.

There was a lot of potential. The cure story could have been cool. The Phoenix story could have been cool. The use of the next generation of X-Men stepping up could have been cool. But instead of there being a main plot and some subplots, there were ONLY subplots, some being resolved, some being forgotten and some rushed to an unsatisfying conclusion. And because of that, I felt detached from the whole movie.

It's sad. Given an extra 45-60 minutes and a better writer, this could have been the best of the X-Men movies.

Click here for more spoiler-filled comments.

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The X-Men 3 Review To End All Reviews

It is no secret to anyone on this site or OKP that I am a fan of the X-Men. I have followed them for some time, and when I first heard about an X-Men movie, I was stoked. I remember seeing the first movie and really enjoying it. Yea, I wanted to see more characters, and Sabretooth was done really, really bad, but I respected it for what it was. It was enough to have me panting for a sequel.

Then came X2. This is by far the greatest comic movie of all time, hands down. You want to argue? Fine, but you better have a good argument lined up and on tap. Unfortunately, this movie also made the first movie look not so good comparatively. The scene where Wolverine unleashes and Colossus metals up still gives me goosebumps to this day when I watch. The story was fantastic, Stryker was a great villain (although I find Brian Cox to be a bit annoying), and the intro to Nightcrawler was great. This movie did promise bigger roles for the other X-Men characters besides Wolverine, but they didn't really go into Jean, Cyclops, and Storm especially. This film simply had me waiting for the next movie to drop immediately. I was very hyped for the next one, and when I finally heard about it and saw pix and trailers, I was pumped.

May 26th. Me and some friends go down at about 11:00 or so, tickets in hand, to get good seats and what not. The movie was set to start at 12:01, in five theatres, all of which were sold out. It was already pretty crowded, and they were filling up theatres as people came in. We saw our share of Wolverines, Rogues, Nightcrawlers (although I don't know why), one Jedi (the saddest motherfucer you would of ever seen... this guy had a blue lightsaber in Jedi garb, running around pretending he was a badass... it was like watching a sequel to that Triumph at the Star Wars premiere), and Batman(apparently, no one told him that he was a year or 2 late). We waited and waited, past 12:01, until someone came in to finally announce that the movie would be starting. Guess what time it was? 12:45. Yea, it sucked big time, but I was still excited nonetheless.

Before I go into the movie, I thought that Ghost Rider looked pretty cool. But of course, Marvel did make Daredevil.

X-Men 3 falls somewhere in the paradox land of movies to me. I liked it. Better than 2? That is the paradox.

The opening scene were just like the other movies, and it seemed like it began very soon after the 2nd movie ended. The Angel scene at the beginning was disturbing, but it worked. Unfortunately, Angel didn't. For all the complaints I have heard about underused characters, Angel should not of been in the movie for what he was there for. One scene, which was one of the only scenes that his father was in, even though he was the basis for the large plot of the movie. That, I did not understand. Beast on the other hand was handled very well. I have not seen a Beast that I have liked since he stopped being the ape-like version until seeing this movie. Kelsey Grammer fit this part great, fitting the size and the intellect it would take for the character. It was strange to see him working so close in the government though. The idea of the cure was good, at least to begin with.



Mystique was criminally underused, especially since she was the most badass she has been in any of the three movies, with the exception being the fight with Wolverine in 1. I like seeing Multiple Man, and the forest scene was pretty clever, if predictable. Juggernaut, visually, was great. I was pleasantly surprised at how well they pulled him off, because I don't think anyone thought that someone that big could work with someone playing him. The voice did not work for me at first, but I got used to it. 'I'm the Juggernaut, BITCH!' and the fight with Wolverine put him on the good side of the fence though. Pyro became the Mystique of this installment, and Callisto and the remaining members worked decently well as glorified cameos. The stars of the show were of course Magneto and Jean/Phoenix. This can be expected from Ian. He was ice cold towards Mystique, and the death of Xavier did not seem to phase him as much as you would of thought. I felt that Phoenix was a little too powerful though.

The X-Men, well, I could go both ways on. Wolverine was great, and so was Beast, even Kitty was done well, and the scene with Iceman icing up was pure fanboy enjoyment. The problem was the idea that Marvel seemed to forget that Cyclops was even in the movie until the very end, when someone probably said 'Hey, do you guys know what happened to Scott?' I don't think they did. I though Storm was the best in this movie, and I didn't have a huge problem with her. Rogue got shafted as well, but the big suprise was how they also seemed to leave Colossus out as well. Yea we got to see the 'Fastball Special' and him fight a little bit, but I was expecting a lot more from his character.

The effects were where this movie shined. This fight scenes in the Grey neighborhood and Alcatraz were awesome, were easily the best fights of any of the three movies. Juggernaut chasing Kitty, Beast and Wolverine cutting loose, finally getting a glimpse of the Danger Room and a tease of a Sentinel, and Jean going crazy, for lack of a better word, were all visually stunning, but the best scene goes to Magneto, when he popped Mystique out of prison on the highway. The only dissapoint was the bridge scene, which was way to long and drawn out for its own good.

The character underdevelopment was the weak point. First off, how the fuck are they going to kill off 3 of the major X-Men characters? I was expecting Jean, and I heard Cyclops was going to take a dirt nap as well. I actually thought that killing Professor X was fresh and quite shocking. Also, the underusement of other characters, like Mystique and Rogue was just wrong. I know why they always seem to focus on Wolverine, but the movie is called X-Men, not Wolverine.

The final scene with Magneto in the park was cool too (even if we all knew that he would still have his powers). The hidden scene at the end of the credits was cool, because I remember them talking about that earlier in the movie. There will probably be another one, and I will not complain if there is. Let's just hope that the Sentinels (true to form) and Gambit can make appearances.

All in all I felt that this was a pretty damn enjoyable movie. I liked the action sequences, loved the fights, and the fanboy moments were plentiful and cool. Was it better than X2? Action wise, yes. Story and all together, no. Both of the sequels were better than the original (and I did like the first one), so I am not dissapointed at all. If the 1st movie was good (B) and the 2nd was close to perfect (A-A+), this movie falls in between them. To the people who didn't like the movie, you really were not entertained? Yea, I thought so.

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Damn!

Damn! I just remembered that I forgot yesterday was Free Comic Book Day!

Call me sentimental, but I like to check this event out (even though I usually end up with nothing but Archies and stuff)

Did anybody go to the LCS?

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So-ooo… The Civil War is officially kicking, and I’m gonna tell it to you guys the way Ralph told Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike: You got to count me out.

When I came back to comics last year after a decade in the wilderness, one of the key terms and conditions of my return was:

“Under no circumstances will the Undersigned purchase, read, or otherwise fuck with any comics that can be characterized as (i) Crossovers, (ii) ‘Events,’ or (iii) Multipart Saga Extending Across Several Titles and Promising to Shake the Comics Universe to Its Core With Shocking and Permanent Changes (Which the Contractor Reserves the Right to Reverse Within the course of Six Months).”

Now granted, in a few moments of weakness I might have slipped off the wagon and found myself indulging in that sordid business we call Infinite Crisis, but that long, lost weekend is over and no mas. I’ve learned my lesson. I’m ready to straighten up and fly right, so if you guys call yourselves my friends you’ll not act as enablers.

Don’t talk to me about the latest 279-part crossover event. Don’t tell me to check out Annihilation. Don’t keep me up to date on the progress of Son of M. If you come to me talking about “Civil War,” the earth-shattering conclusion to your saga for damn sure better go something like this:



All that being said, though: New Avengers Special: The Illuminati was a pretty intriguing book, wasn’t it? I wanted to review it when it first dropped but it sold out at my store and I didn’t get to read it for a few weeks. By this point, I’m pretty sure you all know what it’s about so I’ll spare you the synopsis and get straight to what is so damn intriguing about it.

well… Maleev and Bendis, obviously. Especially Maleev showing that straight superhero work might not be beyond the realm of his ken and getting me even more excited about the upcoming Spider-Woman series. And Bendis ain’t nothing to sleep on here either; he does the thing that Bendis does best.

By the way, just in case you were wondering what it is “that Bendis does best,” it is not his much-vaunted dialogue, which I’ve decided is actually pretty bad, despite being enjoyable to read for its naturalistic rhythms. But just read Bendis’s Daredevil back-to-back with Brubaker’s and it becomes clear how flashy but ultimately ineffective the periphrastic rambling really is.

What Bendis excels at, the one true gift he has brought to the comics world is the phenomenon of “ground-level” superhero storytelling (Was he the one who originated that? Powers was the first time I took notice of the approach and it’s since spread throughout the industry). Bendis more specifically calls his style "Behind the Music" storytelling, and was often the case with that VH1 guilty pleasure, we all too often learn that behind the masks, our heroes are mostly dicks.

Even more intriguing than that is the manner in which Bendis deals with the Hulk Problem.

What exactly is the Hulk Problem, you ask? Well, basically the problem with the Hulk is that he’s a really stupid character who I’ve never liked. Sure, at the best of times ol’Greenskin’s been a pretty cool modern take on the whole Jeckyl & Hyde thing, but even when I was seven years old I found something incredible infantile about a superhero whose main power was that he got mad and wrecked everything in sight as he grunted monosyllabically.

I mean, it’s interesting the first couple of times, but eventually it just becomes monoto—

WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A MESSAGE FROM AFKAP’S MOM

Hello there, boys!

(What’s that you say? There’s a girl or three amongst you? My apologies, ladies! I didn’t realize how much things had changed since the days when I would interrupt young Affy’s little comic coffee klatsches to bring him and his friends some milk and cookies! Back then? Total sausage party!)

Anyway, I don’t want to take up too much of your time except to poke my head in and inform you that my son is a god-natured boy, but he’s really a big liar.

Sure, he’ll want you to believe that he’s into really “smart” comics and is above the primal exhilaration of watching a man throw a tantrum, throw green and lay waste to a city. Oh, but if you could only see him throwing a tantrum and holding his breath till he turned blue in a supermarket checkout line one night many, many years ago when I refused to buy him the magazine pictured below.



I was a bit hesitant at first (the “Lesbian senator” story seemed a bit racy for a boy his age) but in the end I relented and bought my son his first “adult” magazine.

I’m aware that he also peacocks around on that www.Okayplayer.com site acting like a serious music snob who was collecting Blue Note originals when he was 5. I bet he never told you that the first record he ever owned was this one. (Or, for that matter that on the same day he wanted to get this one.)

Even when he was in high school and college, I recall him buying issues of The Incredible Hulk and speaking enthusiastically about his fondness for “PAD” (which was, I admit, a tad disturbing; his comics habit made some of his peers view him as less than macho, and I hoped that he hadn’t actually been driven to buying feminine hygiene products!)

So take everything he says with a grain of salt, will you?

Okay, I’ll be leaving now. Have fun! I hope you all call your mothers more than my son does. You really should. Or better yet, get up, go upstairs right this minute and go say hi to her. Believe me, she will appreciate it!


Okay, so maybe I haven’t always hated the Hulk.

In fact, I don’t even really hate the Hulk right now. At the heart of things I think he’s a brilliant character; a logical progression of the ideas of duality explored in the mythos of the first superhero of the modern era, Superman. But like Superman, he’s a character who works best in his own continuity – or at least relatively insulated from other superheroes – and probably as a fable. Once you introduce them into a shared universe full of metahumans of all stripes… Well, they become a little problematic.

The big problem with the Hulk is that I’ve never been completely sure of why he’s considered a “good guy.” Unlike other Marvel Age characters like Spider-Man, Daredevil and Dr. Strange, his heroic career is not based the decision to use his power for good. This is a guy – a monster, actually – who’s got the ability to level a city block with his bare hands, the communication and comprehension skills of a three year-old and the rage of Barry Gibb.



Why isn’t he considered a villain in the Marvel Universe? Sure, he’s kinda got a good heart, but hey, I’ve heard that Super-Skrull devotes a lot of his free time to rescuing homeless kittens… Does that make him okay, too?

Not only do they not deal with Hulk as the menace to society he occasionally is, but at various points they have made him an Avenger. AN AVENGER, for Chrissakes! Banner has got to have that HOT weed connection, because otherwise I cannot think of why they keep him around.

I think what has always subconsciously bothered me about the Hulk and made his exploits so unsatisfying for me is the fact that while the Marvel Universe that was supposedly built around the idea of portraying the real-world consequences of super-powered beings in the real world, a lot of effort was expended on avoiding showing what the Hulk’s tantrums really mean. This panel from the classic Incredible Hulk #332 (1986) is an example of how writers have traditionally skirted this issue.



Yeah, thank goodness the people all got out in time!

For my money, the best and most logical rendition of the Hulk has been Mark Millar’s, in The Ultimates. If his Banner is an extreme portrait of male spinelessness, his Hulk is an over-the-top parody of macho excess: he grunts and smashes shit, he drinks beer, he’s hornier than a two-peckered billy goat, he smells bad, and he’s terrified of being thought of as a “sissy boy.” And when he goes on a rampage through Manhattan, it’s presented as an analogue for 9/11, complete with massive losses in human life.

Bendis follows this track in Illuminati: The Hulk goes wild in Las Vegas and kills twenty-six people “this time.” This time. Meaning that he’s killed more people over the years. (Meaning that the Avengers have been palling around with and protecting a murderer all this time.) And it’s decided that finally, something has to be done with him.

Of course, in the recent She-Hulk #4, Shulkie states that she’s sure that the Hulk has NEVER killed anybody, and that her cousin Bruce would surely have killed himself if his Hulk rampages had ever lead to anybody getting seriously hurt.

This discrepancy can probably be (and kinda has been) explained away by saying that Jen just didn’t know that the Hulk has killed (but come on… How could she not know that?) More than likely, this confusion is a result of the shoddy editorial work that has marred the Quesada regime and the seeming carte blanche awarded to Bendis to rewrite Marvel history at will.

I wish it were less mundane, though: Wouldn’t it be so much cooler if this were the beginnings of a true philosophical schism brewing within Marvel? Not just Dan Slott vs. Bendis, but what their individual approaches to superheroes represent: A relatively innocent Marvel Universe where we recognize the heroes because they are the ones who are, at the end of the day, fundamentally good… Or a darker, morally complicated world in which the heroes except for Spider-Man are essentially assholes with better press agents?

See… Now that is a civil war that I’d pay to watch play out…

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HOs HO’s HO’s , Slum Village said it best and they must have been thinking about this woman here . Storm……


About five months a go I started this journey into exposing the realest whore in the marvel universe. She’s the Buffie the body of Marvel. People want her and people get her. I mean the girls had more rubber on here than the 405 freeway (that’s for my Los Angeles folks). So when I last left off I was telling you about how she runs through the marvel universe fucking and sucking up a storm… Get it? Ok ok I know cheap shot but it was funny. Well let’s go down the list she’s had Doom Some jungle man an African King and even had Dracula sucking her off RIP AL Lewis.


So now here we are time to continue this journey of a ho turned housewife turned goddess turned Halle Berry .




So After that short run in with the Count she was off to fuck up another man's head but this time on her way she lost her groove and almost drowned in the bayou, but was then saved by this one armed one leg cat named Forge. She gave up the goods of course seeing that she had never had amputee sex, But she was quick to leave him cause she wasn't down with that Indian Casino shit ya know. We all know she left cause son put that Native American charm on her and opened her shit up, but alas.... So she flew to Africa to get back to her roots and ended up meeting this God named Loki. This cat played captain save a hoe and gave her diamonds and shit and all she did in return is use them fucking horns as a dildo.

That shit got old and she went back to the X Mansion and tried to get some of that Summers dick But he wasn't having it he was too busy thinking about Heath Ledger or some gay shit so she tried to bounce on the whole X -Team.
But then who does she run into? That's right her ex lover Callisto. Now I don't know about lesbian relationships but I hear those things are violent so I'm not even gonna touch the subject. Anyway, she makes it back to the mansion and runs into a new and Improved John Redcor...... I mean Forge who does this crazy ass war dance to call his wind pussy back.
Well it worked he had this broad on sprung she stayed with him at his spot and they "fell in Love". Well later on the X-Men fight this adversary cat and win but then pretened to be dead. All the while Storm starts a secret relationship with Jean Grey, Which not only angers the "I'm not gay but I look like it" Cyclops. He approached her and asked why didn't she say anything "I would have jumped in." But you know Storms a greedy hoe she don't share her goodies with no one. Well it went from bad to worse cause John Redforge wasn't going for that lesbo ish and when he found out he walked. He has been the only piece of dick to ever get out of her sticky grasp....

Well I was trying to make this a two part series but man this girl has had so many a lover that Wilt Champerlain was on her list..... So wait another 5 months to see the rest of STORM NUMBER ONE SUPER HOE.

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Oh Stan... Stan, My Man.

Why do you hurt me?

Why do you hurt us all?




BTW This not my "official" first blog entry... Soon come.

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The following is a guest entry by an associate of mine, Wilbur Simons.

Hello Internet. My name is Wilbur Simons. I was invited to this blog by Mr. Kangaroo Love after he overheard me at the comics shop arguing about whether or not Poison Ivy could seduce Midnighter from The Authority. I am writing this because I have something to get off my chest. I have been collecting comic books since 1975 so I feel my opinion is very valuable. But right now I am not happy. I have a bone to pick with DC for their unethical treatment of Firestorm, the greatest hero to ever grace the DCU.



Ronnie Raymond is my favorite character of all time, so it absolutely traumatized me when DC hired hack writer Brad Meltzer to kill him off in Identity Crisis so he could be replaced with a new edgy & hip wannabe incarnation.

I think this is a detriment to Firestorm fans as well as a disgrace to the character. First to make something clear, I know many people will assume I don't like the new Firestorm because he is African-American. That is not true. I place Blade in my top 5 vampire hunters of all time and I am the proud owner of a framed photo of myself with Billy Dee Williams. So you can clearly see I am not a racist. I would'nt even like this new Firestorm if he was a white guy named Wilbur who liked tapioca pudding and SG1.

What I am here to do is make a difference. That is why I am organizing a group known as R.N.A.S.F. (Ronnie's Nuclear Army of Special Friends.) We will make our presence known and continue to boycott all DC Comics products until Ronnie Raymond is reinstated as his rightful position of Firestorm. If you call yourself a true Firestorm fan, I urge you to join me.

Thank you, Internet.

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Where Art Thou, Superman?

(contains Infinite Crisis spoilers)

Calling all cars, calling all cars.

Looking for a white Caucasian male, possible alien.

About 6 feet tall, dark hair, blue eyes...Able to leap tall buildings in a singe bound.

Goes by the name of Kal-El or Superman.

I thought Infinite Crisis was supposed to reinvigorate the Big 3.

If that's the case, where's Waldo...I mean...Superman been this entire series?

Nope, everything seems fine around here.
I guess I'm not needed

Wonder Woman spent two issues defending Themyscira from OMACs and hanging out with Earth-2 Wonder Woman.

Batman? He's been everywhere.

In the course of this series, Batman has...
...been at the ruins of the Watchtower
...back in Gotham where he met Earth 2 Supes and faced off against Red Hood in his own book
...Bludhaven to meet up with Nightwing
...back in Gotham with the Brave and The Bold planning an attack on Brother Eye
...in space knocking Brother Eye out of orbit
...finally ending up at Alexander Luthor's tower which is apparently right by The Fortress of Solitude

All this despite not having the gift of flight.

Superman? well, after getting emasculated by Batman, he actually went back to WORK as Clark Kent for a spell. He stopped some windows from falling on a crowd, stopped a couple of OMACs, hooked up with Earth-2 Superman on Earth 2 and finally showed up to his neighborhood to watch Superboy die. Did Ruin keep him THAT occupied?

I know Superman can't be everywhere at once but if Batman can get around...

No, it may seem like I'm being a little unforgiving here but the only way Infinite Crisis works if Superman happens to not be around.

You're saying with all that was going on...Earth 2 Superman flying around on his Earth, the Society killing the Freedom Fighters, Superboy Prime going to HIS house in Kansas and fighting our Superboy all the way to Keystone City, the sonic booms created by the Flashes, the only time he did something is when he heard Earth 2 Superman yell "Lois" (from another Earth no less which he got to pretty quickly)?

As George Oscar Bluth II (a.k.a. G.O.B.) on Arrested Development would say, "Come on!"

I'm sure Superman will do something MIND BLOWINGLY AMAZING in Infinite Crisis #7 but it will be a case of too little too late.

Batman's right, maybe Superman should just die to inspire everyone again...

Oh wait, I think I just figured out Infinite Crisis #7...

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Part 1: Team Phoenix

In some Internet circle during the whole Jen/Brad/Angelina saga, some gals made t-shirts to show who they supported and thus "Team Aniston" shirts were spawned. Of course, there are clones like "Team Jolie", "Team Brangelina", "Team Lachey", "Team Lohan", etc.
As an X-fan girl, I'd rep "Team Phoenix." Mind you I love Emma Frost. She's the baddest bitch, has no qualms about her shady past, and what she'd do to you if you cross her. I'm on "Team Frost", but my problem is with Cyclops. I hate him.
Whenever I see two chick(enhead)s fighting over a guy, I all I can think is "Is he really worth it?" As for Cyclops, it's a definite no.
Like Rachel asks Havok in X-Men Unlimited #11 what Team Phoenix are thinking: Did Scott ever really love her? Maybe he should have taken some advice from Jay-Z, "Be an adult, have an affair and shit."


Cyke and Jean were the X-Men's Reed and Sue Richards. After they got married in X-Men #30,
we thought they would eventually settled down and start having all those kids from alternate/possible futures.
Sure, their lives are fucked up by this superpowered craziness, but love should keep them together. Instead now Reed and Sue have two kids, and Cyke's fucking the Emma "X-Bike becuase everybody's had a ride" Frost.

Maybe Scott isn't as jaded as the rest of us to believe that Jean won't come back, but we readers know mutants are N.E.R.D. like Pharrell, Chad, and that other guy. Just ask Colussus and Psylocke. Even Emma was MIA (okay, so she was in a coma).
By now we all know Jean's death equals "free to fuck some other broad" cards. The writers don't have the intestinal fortitude to make Cyclops a bad guy and have him willfully cheat on his wife, so they get rid of the wife.


Sure, it's not the first time Cyclops has shacked up with a broad while Jean's pushing up daisies. He married Madelyn Pryor.
He's not like Wolvie, Kurt, and Gambit, who have no problem lovin' 'em & leavin' 'em. These dudes keep moving on, but Scott gets tied down.
But why Emma Frost?


Part 2: Cyclops is into BDSM
Most of the ladies in Scott Summers life fit into a simple pattern: red-headed Jean Grey look-a-likes or sexy psi-talents.
The first group is obvious, so let's move on to the second group. Excluding their powers, they don't have much in common - the girl next door, the dragon lady, and the ice -oops, I mean diamond queen.
Their powers may have different facets, but at the most basic level they all share telepathy. What could be so sexually appealling about this power? Maybe Scott wants to know what it feels like to "get served by her while she's serving me" (my apologies to Common). Or just what it feels like for a girl to borrow from Madonna.
On the outside, all three seem cold and aloof, but there are hints they are freaks.
Psylocke's costume is a bathing suit, but the freaky detail are those strips up and down her legs. Is she into bondage? Well, she is British.

Jean's dark side was first shown when she was seduced into being the Hellfire Club's Black Queen. Just check out her corset, garters, and fishnets. And we all know when Emma first turned up at. Even Maddie got turned out as the Goblin Queen. So there's your S & M.
Who knows what scenarios go down in Cyclops' sick mind. When his costume covers his head , it makes him look like a gimp.

It's always the leader types that like to be dominated. It's their way to release a little pressure off of their shoulders. I don't even want to look to closely at Cyke's relationship with Professor X.

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